


A Little Less

by methuselahsattemptatlife



Series: A Little More [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Multi, Pregnancy Scare, Underage - Freeform, intersex yamaguchi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 32,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6228094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/methuselahsattemptatlife/pseuds/methuselahsattemptatlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feeling uncool isn't something Tsuki is used to. But if it feels like this, maybe he could get comfortable feeling uncool sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. White

**Author's Note:**

> HEYA THERE  
> So a sequel to an earlier fic called A Little More was demanded, and I have answered that call.  
> You do not need to read the first one to understand this. Everything will be explained loosely and if it interests you, then you can go click on me and find it. If not, I will not be offended, and you will enjoy this just as well as any other fic.  
> Thank you.

Sometimes, when it has the occasion to occur, Tsukishima Kei felt very uncool. This rarely happened. He was laid-back, quietly aloof, and never without a snarky comment. That’s what cool was, right? Well, he was like that all the time. Almost. He had his off moments. Granted, everyone had off moments, but some people were fucking idiots full time.

In comparison to everyone else, Tsuki felt like an abstraction. Sometimes he got lost in a sea of morons the moment he stepped foot outside his room. His mother was a moron, his brother was a moron – all they cared about were his grades, his friends or lack thereof, and whatever else they ranted on about whenever their mouths opened. He tuned them out most of the time because, really, who wanted to hear a two hour rant about soap operas? Even his teachers were morons. His biggest pet peeve about teachers was how long it took them to return his work.

There was no way for Tsuki to improve his work if he never got any feedback. This was especially a problem for him because he dedicated his free time to bettering himself, through his grades, volleyball, and other means. This qualified him as ‘not a moron’ in his own mind, while other people were placed into several categories of ‘moron.’ All the time, Tsuki caught the stupid little things that the people around him did and his brain automatically catalogued them. There were far too many categories to count.

He was barely sixteen years old and the world was a fishbowl full of useless morons – it wasn’t a fun way to live, but these were the cards he’d been dealt at birth, and he had learned to deal with it. Besides, it meant that he was better than the majority of people he met.

There was a very small category in his head specifically created for people that he did not think that he was better than. One person in this category was Daichi Sawamura, the captain of Karasuno’s volleyball male team. Tsuki rarely met someone near his age who had the high honor of being someone he saw as respectable. Even if Daichi was a moron, which he was not, there was no way that Tsuki could ever think that he was better than him. The man just had too many technical and people skills that Tsuki himself would never, ever have. He was quietly commanding in a way that Tsuki respected simply because he wanted to be like that, too.

“Tsukishima!” Daichi called sharply.

The Karasuno men’s volleyball team had already come off their break and was lining up for spike practice. Tsuki, dazed, was completely unaware that so much time had elapsed. He snapped out of his trance. How long had he been standing there like a judgmental statue? He pulled the towel off his neck and put down his water bottle before jogging back into the fray of practice. He got into the spike line just as Sugawara Koushi, the team’s experienced team setter, began to toss.

Lately, Tsukishima hadn’t been feeling like himself. He wasn’t sleeping well at night, he was nodding off in class, and he had begun daydreaming a lot more than he was comfortable with. He never daydreamed in the middle of practice. In class, sure he nodded off when things got boring, but not in the middle of a lecture he needed to take notes on. The line moved up. He took one long stride to follow the heels of Kageyama Tobio, the team’s genius setter, and glanced around him at the others in line. Just beyond Daichi was a head of green hair; it bobbed around as if it could feel Tsuki looking at it. When it turned to face him, a warm, radiating smile blinded Tsuki. It was Karasuno’s pinch server, Yamaguchi Tadashi. Tsuki looked away and Yamaguchi pleasantly left him alone to brood.

Yamaguchi was probably the only person that Tsuki didn’t think he could function without. It’s not like he was important or anything – he was just a regular kid with no real talents besides being average. His face was like a constellation of freckles, and his natural timid nature made him an unlikely friend to the blunt and merciless Tsukishima, but Yamaguchi had been a disciple of Tsukishima since they were kids. One day, they’d just clicked, and since then Tsuki hadn’t been able to shake him.

To tell the truth, Tsuki hadn’t wanted to shake him, but he’d definitely tried his damnedest. He liked to be alone. Having someone follow him around usually got pretty tiring. But he’d never had a disciple before, and he might never have another one, either. So needless to say he drew a lot of power from the fact that someone had chosen to worship him.

Well… maybe it wasn’t worship exactly. It had begun that way, but over time, Yamaguchi had gotten to know Tsukishima far too well to worship him anymore. Now, Tsuki didn’t know what they were; friends, maybe, or something similar.  That was why he didn’t really know if he could function without him. No matter what Tsuki did, Yamaguchi was always right there with his eyes shining in wonder, and a giddy lop-sided grin on his face.

Tsukishima watched carefully as Sugawara tossed for Kageyama. The dark-haired setter leaped, his strong form arching mid-air as he slammed the spike into the far corner of the court. It just hit within the lines.

“Good, Kageyama!” Daichi said. “Try not to get too close to the line.”

“Right.” Kageyama jogged to the back of the line then, leaving Tsuki an open area between him and the net.

Tsuki refused to let his mind wander again. Act, he had to act. The ball was about to be his. His eyes followed the arc of the ball as it was tossed to him. _Move!_ Pushing his long legs, Tsukishima bolted and leaped forward just as Sugawara gave him the ball. The world slowed around Tsuki’s airborne body. The air tasted salty and dry at the back of his throat; his nostrils flared. He bowed the palm of his hand just as the volleyball kissed his skin and then everything eased back to normal speed as the ball shot like a bullet into the center of the court. The sound it made upon impact was very satisfying.

Without waiting for praise or comment, Tsuki jogged to the back of the line. He glanced up as he passed the others to gloat. Hinata Shouyou, the team’s best spiker, had stars in his eyes; Ennoshita had a solemn respect in his face; Daichi gave him the thumbs-up. Yamaguchi leaned out from behind the captain and held out his hand. Tsuki instinctively slapped him a high-five as he passed and settled into the back of the line again.

His heart hammered in his chest. Damn, he loved volleyball. His pulse skittered around in his veins with anxious palpitations, and he blinked down at his hands. I mean, he’d done a good job, but why did his face feel like it was on fire?

“Are you blushing?”

Tsuki looked up sharply at Kageyama, who was giving him a strange look. “What?” He demanded.

Kageyama lifted an eyebrow. “Your face. It’s all red.”

Putting his palms to his cheeks, Tsukishima got a jolt of shock. Kageyama was right. He was blushing. Instead of replying, Tsuki gave Kageyama a glare that made him angry. They had a tense staring contest for a few seconds before Hinata yanked the setter away to keep up with the line. The two of them had been awfully chummy for about a week; not that Tsuki cared all that much, but Shouyou and Tobio were normally at each other’s throats, and Tobio hadn’t so much as called him a dumbass in over four days. It was weird. A lot of stuff had gone down with Hinata in the past month – maybe Tobio was giving him a break.

Tsukishima shook out his hands and made a noise of disapproval. He wasn’t blushing. He was fine. He managed to go the rest of practice without any sort of hiccups, but he also didn’t make eye contact with anyone, which rose a few questioning looks. It didn’t matter to him, though. He helped them clean up afterwards and packed up his things carefully, moving very slowly. The thought of blushing over nothing was confusing him. Had he reacted to something weird? Sometimes he felt hungry just by looking at ads for cheeseburgers, did that count? He mentally kicked himself for such a stupid thought.

“Tsuki!”

Just before Tsukishima stepped foot outside the bright gym and began his journey home in the dark, he got a reminder that he had forgotten someone. He turned to see Yamaguchi jogging over to him.

“Hey, don’t walk so fast! What’s the rush?”

That’s right. It had been Yamaguchi who’d given him that nickname - Tsuki. Weird, how had he forgotten? It wasn’t just a casual thing. It had been years since he’d made it up. Tsukishima even thought of himself as Tsuki, he responded to it. It was a little piece of him. It’d been a long time since he’d thought about that.

Yamaguchi was staring at him. “Tsuki? Hey, Tsuki – are you ok?”

Oh. He hadn’t responded. He thought he had.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Tsuki grumbled.

The whole way back he was aware of Yamaguchi’s pale eyes watching him closely; he refused to speak besides acknowledging grunts, and avoided looking anywhere near Yamaguchi at all. When they finally parted ways it was a relief. Tsukishima waved off his friend’s chipper goodnight and stalked home.

He showered late that night, walking to his room in the dark wearing only boxers. No one else was awake anyway. He shut his door gently behind him and the second his body hit the bed, a swirl of madness filled his head.


	2. Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsuki's not the only one confused.

Right as the sun began to rise, Tsuki managed to snatch a few hours of sleep. The rest of the night had been hellish; throwing pillows, twisting up in his blankets – he’d turned around to lay different ways four times before giving up. Tsukishima was furious at himself for being unable to rest, even as tired as he was. A headache the size of Tokyo was sitting right behind his eyes. Only drifting back to sleep seemed to soothe it.

He slept through all of his Thursday morning alarms. He also slept through his mother and brother both coming into his room to wake him up, managing to stay asleep even when his mom started up the car and left for work. Lucid dreams jerked his mind in circles until finally, around ten in the morning, he woke. Tsuki sluggishly lifted his head to look at the clock. Panic surged through him. Damn, he was late for class! He bounded out of bed and scrambled through his morning routine like he was being chased by Satan himself.

It was a good thing his legs were long, because he sprinted to school at top speed, almost getting hit by a car at least twice. When he arrived it was the end of third class. Only lunch and three more classes remained; he’d missed half a day of school. He checked in with his teachers to explain – not a lot of explanation was necessary, because they saw his level of dishevelment – and he left for a short lunch.

A carton of milk from the vending machine and a granola bar that had been sitting in the bottom of his backpack for a week were all he had to eat. Annoyed beyond belief, Tsuki sat outside in the spring sunshine, grouchily munching on his lunch. He was dreading meeting anyone from the team. They were going to give him so much shit for this.

“Jesus!”

Tsuki winced as Yamaguchi came running. He knew all of Tsuki’s habits, including where he went when he wanted to be alone, so it wasn’t surprising that he’d found him. Tsukishima was sitting in the grass against the outer west wall of the school; from here, it was difficult to be seen from any angle because of the position of the buildings, and he felt much less anxious about his appearance when no one could see how scrambled he looked.

The little pinch server hovered over him when he saw how angry he was. “Tsuki, where were you?” He questioned him worriedly. Yamaguchi lowered to a crouch, wrapping his arms around his knees. All of him was slender and tan, and his eyes were soft.

“I… overslept.” Tsuki replied blandly. He was a mess. His jacket was skewed, he’d forgotten to brush his hair, and his socks were two different colors.

“Oh.” Yamaguchi pulled off his backpack and rooted around in one of the smaller pockets. His hand emerged with a comb. Tsuki accepted the offering grudgingly. “That isn’t like you, Tsuki. Are you ok?”

The comb yanked at the knots in Tsukishima’s curly blonde hair. He ground his teeth as he picked them out one by one, trying not to yell, and managed to get his head into a simple state of repair. “I’m fine.”

He handed the comb back. Yamaguchi put it away and sighed a little like he knew Tsuki was lying. Instead of asking more questions, he sat down beside Tsuki, pulling out a bento box. He offered it to Tsuki to share. This gift, too, was accepted, but Tsuki barely took anything for himself. They finished the bento box just as the bell rang for class.

Yamaguchi got up first and held out his hand to help Tsuki up. “Come on. Don’t want to be late for your first class, right?” He teased.

“Shut up, moron.” Tsuki ignored the hand and got up of his own volition. He straightened his jacket and brushed off his pants as they walked inside. Tsuki paused on the threshold. “See you at practice,” he said, and turned to take a different route like he had somewhere to be.

“…Ok.”

Yamaguchi watched him go for a minute. Usually, it didn’t take much to set Tsuki off, but he seemed angrier at himself than angry at the world like he usually was. It was worrying. But, he gave him his space. It was no use prodding him while he was like this.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sugawara.”

Looking up from his notes, Sugawara Koushi’s pale brown eyes landed on Daichi as he crossed the room to where he was sitting. Sugawara had been teasing him for about a week on and off; he was trying to get him to admit something that Sugawara himself wasn’t even sure of. Koushi felt something smoldering in his chest at the sight of Daichi Sawamura. He watched the open concern on Daichi’s tan face as he approached with a blossom of affection in his heart, and Sugawara had to put a lid on his longing. He wasn’t stupid – he knew a crush when he felt one.

He knew that Daichi was hiding something similar, too. It was just a matter of getting him to admit it. Until Sugawara knew for sure, he’d be way too shy to do anything. But he was not below teasing… or harassment, for that matter.  

“Yes?” Sugawara asked coyly, giving him a suggestive smile.

Daichi flushed. “N-Nothing like that,” he stammered. His loose posture withdrew into insecurity. Rubbing the back of his neck, he glanced away, suppressing the urge to turn tail and run. He looked like a timid puppy. “Geez…”

Sugawara grinned. “Sorry, my mistake. I thought you had a different look on your face.”

“Sugawara…”

“What’s up, Daichi?”

“I went to talk to Tsuki before second class, but I couldn’t find him.” Daichi crossed his arms and looked at Sugawara with concern. “He’s been acting strange. Do you remember how Kageyama looked the week after training camp?”

“Yeah, he looked like a walking rain cloud. Is Tsuki that bad?”

“No, but what I saw last night was pretty close. I think Tsuki is too self-conscious to let it show when he’s under a lot of stress.”

“Why do you think he’s under a lot of stress?”

“I don’t know. He’s very private.”

Cold dread crept up in Sugawara’s chest. “Which means that no one else will know why, either… right?”

Daichi nodded gravely. “That’s what worries me the most.”

Leaning back, Sugawara looked up at him ruefully. “Just as soon as Kageyama improves his anger management skills, Tsukishima’s anger management skills get worse. What do we do?”

“Well… if I can find him, I’ll talk to him. My biggest concern right now is where he is.”

“Did he not come to school?” Sugawara frowned. “That’s worrying.”

Shaking his head, Daichi sighed. “If he comes to practice, I’ll talk to him then.”

Sugawara agreed. They settled into their seats as the bell rang for class, and Daichi glanced at Sugawara covertly as the teacher shuffled papers. He was worried about Tsuki, but… Acid churned in his heart. Sugawara was pressing him for something. What was it? Was this about the car ride back from the hospital? Daichi blushed just remembering the two of them squashed in the trunk of Tanaka’s older sister’s car. He could still feel Sugawara sitting between his legs and he could still hear him laughing over how red his face had been.

Who could blame him? Daichi only dated a few times, and usually the girl gave up on him when he spent all of his time playing volleyball or at home, helping his mom out. Daichi was one of three boys – all of them were either half his age or younger, and his dad had died years ago. There was no one else to be the man of the house. What free time he did get was always dedicated to volleyball so there was no time for dating.

So, he had no experience with romance, or crushes, or anything intimate between two people. That car ride had been the closest he’d ever been to a guy before. And he was pretty sure Sugawara was alluding to romance whenever he was coy with him, like he’d just been. Daichi diligently took notes and refused to sneak any more glances at Sugawara. He did feel his eyes on him a few times, though, and fought back the urge to catch him staring. That would only embarrass them both, right?

What was Sugawara thinking? Sure, after all the drama that Hinata had gone through with Kenma Monday night, that sort of guy-on-guy relationship was on all of their minds. The two of them were the only ones who had noticed the previous week that Kageyama had feelings for Shouyou. They’d experienced _that_ awkward epiphany together. They also noticed how Shouyou and Tobio were getting much closer after Hinata and Kenma’s break-up.

No one involved with the hospital trip to see Kenma had been in class or practice Tuesday because of how trying it’d been, but they’d come back Wednesday. Tobio had been much gentler that day. Shouyou had stopped snapping at him, too, and so far their improvement rate was doubling. But no one else had noticed. Only Sugawara and Daichi knew, and they kept it between them because of how bewildering it was.

So they shared a secret. Did that make Sugawara feel more comfortable flirting with him? Was it actually flirting, or was it just teasing? After all, Daichi wasn’t against homosexuals by any means, but he was definitely uncomfortable with the idea of being one. He’d never had that experience with another boy. The idea scared him a little. What would his mom say? What would the team say? What would he say of himself?

Daichi was lost deep in thought. When he felt Sugawara looking at him again, probably wondering why he’d stopped taking notes, Daichi’s eyes slipped unconsciously in his direction and their eyes locked. Sugawara, guilty, froze in place. Daichi blinked at him obliviously. It took a minute to sink into his foggy head that he’d also been caught staring. When it did hit him, his eyes went as round as dinner plates and embarrassment overcame him, too.

Color rose in their cheeks as they hurriedly looked away. Sugawara was definitely feeling something, and he was trying to push Daichi towards the light. But what did the light mean?


	3. Beige

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima is... listening to someone? Since when?

Seeing as there was always something going on in Tsukishima’s head, he never stopped to realize that maybe the problem wasn’t just in his mind. He’d been assuming that it was ever since it began. What else could prevent him from getting rest?

He spent the rest of his three classes brooding about being unable to sleep. Despite having slept a few hours this morning, he was totally wrecked. Exhaustion magnified gravity a thousand fold to the point when even getting up from his desk became a chore. He dozed off a few times during a long lecture he needed to pay attention to – not because he wanted to sleep, but because the sheer force of his weariness bore his head down onto his hand like it weighed a thousand pounds.

Yamaguchi was in his class. Not only was Tsuki struggling against his need to sleep, but he was also struggling against his shame at being unable to be his normal cool self in front of Yamaguchi. It infuriated him that his friend could be staring at his back with his eyes full of pity. Tsuki hated pity. He was a high-functioning, studious person who always took good care of himself. This behavior of his was unacceptable. He forced his eyes open and forced his fingers around a pencil but for the life of him, he could not stay awake. His body was betraying him.

That’s when he got an idea.

What if it wasn’t his mind keeping him from sleep, but his body? His eyes had slid shut; he was lucid dreaming about being awake, and in the dream he was sitting in his desk wide awake. He looked down at his hand and frowned. When he’d high-fived Yamaguchi, he’d blushed. Why? Well, he had no idea, but he usually ignored most things that seemed to happen to him, so it was probably a good idea to start paying attention again. Focus. His hand. He thought back: Yamaguchi’s dazzling smile; his long, tan legs; his freckled face, and shoulders, and elbows-

What the fuck? Wait, had he really paid attention to everywhere that Yamaguchi had freckles? Hesitating, he realized that yes, he had. Ever since they were kids he had always watched his friend’s freckles blossom in the sun. It had become such a habit that it was less of a conscious decision and more like muscle memory to check Yamaguchi for new freckles. He’d done it when they were younger because he was fascinated by them, but he did it now out of a force of habit. Right? Think, you moron, he thought to himself. Is it just a habit?

Tsuki experienced a lot of little emotions throughout the day that he tended to lump into puberty, or mood swings or whatever, but now that he thought about it, Tsuki realized how often being around Yamaguchi improved his mood. Tsuki alone: angry eyes. Tsuki with Yamaguchi: calm, collected, judgmental. He experienced much less anxiousness when he had someone to laugh at his jokes, or call him out when he did something cool. Yamaguchi was his wingman.

But what about the freckles? THINK! Tsuki racked his brain. Yeah, he thought they were different, but he also liked the freckles. They made girls look cute. And Yamaguchi was covered in them, so that meant… that he thought… Yamaguchi was…

… Cute?

With a start, Tsuki jolted awake. Someone was touching his shoulder. It was a warm, heavy hand. He looked up with bleary alarm and a blur that looked like Yamaguchi was looking into his face with concern. Class was over for the day and practice started in twenty minutes. Tsuki rubbed sleep out of his eyes impatiently until Yamaguchi appeared out of the blur.

“Tsuki, you don’t look so good. Maybe you should… go home and rest?” Yamaguchi’s frown knitted his brows together and made his eyes look very piercing.

“No, no…” Tsuki got up. “I’m fine. I’m just tired. If I move around I’ll wake up.” Despite this, Yamaguchi still gave him a frown, and Tsuki glared at him as he packed up his things. “What?”

“You look like you need to sleep.”

“You look like an idiot, but I don’t like to mince words.”

“Tsuki!” Yamaguchi snapped.

“What? It’s true.” He tried to walk away, shrugging into his backpack, but Yamaguchi grabbed him by the wrist. Both of them froze. No one got in Tsukishima’s way, especially not people who knew what he was like when he was angry – and especially not Yamaguchi. Tsuki looked over his shoulder at him fiercely, but Yamaguchi’s fear was mingled with something stronger; worry, and steely determination.

“I’ve never seen you look like this,” Yamaguchi pressed. “Don’t neglect your health! You’ll get sick!” He squeezed Tsuki’s wrist so that he couldn’t pull away, and their eyes were locked in a staring contest.

Tsuki strained against his grasp irritably. “What do you care? It’s my problem, not yours.”

Yamaguchi made a noise of frustration. “You’re so stubborn! If your leg was cut off, would you still go to practice?!”

“Probably.”

“TSUKI!”

Looking at him evenly, Tsukishima’s glowing eyes bore into his friend. “What is it that you want from me, exactly?”

“I want you to be ok!” Yamaguchi blurted. As soon as the words left his mouth, his face contorted with conflicted embarrassment and frustration. He broke the stare and looked away, his eyes tearing up from not blinking for so long. “I want you… to be ok,” he repeated quietly. “I mean… if you don’t give yourself a break, then who will? You don’t ever listen to anybody... You don’t even listen to me…”

Crumpled, Yamaguchi’s face turned slightly away and his profile took on a gentle, round curve that made Tsukishima’s heart feel like someone had wrapped their hand around it and squeezed it as hard as they could. That’s cute. I think Yamaguchi is cute, he thought numbly to himself. His face turned a dark shade of tomato red from the mixture of shame and shock that he was feeling. Its heat grew in intensity, and he was grateful to the gods that Yamaguchi wasn’t looking at him right now. He turned away to hide the feelings at war within him.

 “I do listen to you.”

“W-What?”

Tsuki didn’t reply. He stared at his shoes, angling his body away so that it was impossible to see his face. “I’ll go home,” he said.

Yamaguchi wavered a little in place, his eyes round and wide. “You will?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Uh, ok. I’ll…” He looked down at his hand, which was still wrapped around Tsuki’s wrist, then lifted his eyes again to look at the back of Tsuki’s blond hair. “Can I come check on you after practice? I mean, unless-”

“That’s fine.”

“O-Oh?”

“Yeah. I probably won’t be able to sleep anyway.” Tsuki slid his wrist out of Yamaguchi’s grip as it slackened. “But you’re right. I shouldn’t go to practice like this.” He withdrew from him defensively, like he’d been hurt, and Yamaguchi felt guilt rising up in his throat.

“Come tell Daichi before you go,” he said quickly. “Just so that he knows where you are.” When Tsuki looked around and barely nodded, his face was still red. Yamaguchi was struck into silence. Since when did Tsuki blush? Was he already sick?

They walked to the club room quietly. Everyone else had gone. The halls of the school curved in on them, pushing them down, making them feel small, but Tsuki seemed oblivious to it all. Something was deeply bothering him. It was scary to see. Outside, the weather had cooled off significantly, and clouds were beginning to gather overhead.

In the club room, everyone was changing out and chatting. When Yamaguchi opened the door they all looked up curiously. They saw the look on the pair’s faces, and everyone fell into a hush. Tsuki’s exhausted appearance alone was enough to put them in shock.

Daichi was shirtless, and he had crouched in the corner to dig in his bag for a shirt to practice in. He looked up only when the noise stopped. “Tsukishima? Yamaguchi?” He got to his feet. His practice shirt dangled from one hand. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m not going to be at practice today,” Tsukishima replied in a monotone that matched the heavy weariness on his shoulders.

“Let’s talk outside.” Daichi glanced at Yamaguchi. “Get changed and go set up the net with Hinata.” Yamaguchi obeyed, ducking to his duffel bag, and Daichi pulled on a shirt before he took Tsuki outside and shut the door behind them.

The two of them walked towards the front of the school, one long and tired, the other rigid and tense. Tsuki stared at his shoes blankly. His mind wandered, touching at what had just happened, but when Daichi put out his hand, Tsuki walked right into it. He stopped walking.

“Sorry,” Tsuki mumbled.

“Tsuki, you haven’t looked well for a few days now. Is something the matter?”

“I’m not sick, just… tired.”

Daichi studied him. “If you’re not sick, then what is it, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima couldn’t look him in the eye. “I have to go.”

He sluggishly and began to walk in the direction of his house, and Daichi let him go. His concerned brown eyes watched Tsuki until he was out of sight.

I’ll talk to him after he gets some rest, Daichi thought to himself.


	4. Lemon Drop Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that wasn't too painful.

Yamaguchi couldn’t focus. He reached for the ball but it tipped his fingers and sped away; he stretched his legs to run but he could not move; everyone just flew by him, casting him odd looks, but his desperation made them turn away again. He floated away. The world was rotating around his body and he felt like the sun – isolated in the center of the universe, watching everything go by, but never moving.

Weird. Usually when he got sick, he just felt nauseous and had to sleep for like eight hours and he was fine again. Never before had he lost his footing on reality. Why was he so off today? He sank down onto the bench for a break and frowned at his hands. Maybe it was because he was worried about Tsuki. He’d never seen him blush before, at least not like that, and he was so… distant. Usually they could at least talk like friends. Lately, Tsuki had shut himself up in a box, and left Yamaguchi alone outside it. He was lonely without him.

Sugawara came over and sat with Yamaguchi, putting a hand on his shoulder gingerly. “Are you ok, Yamaguchi?” He paused. “Are you worried about Tsukishima?”

Yamaguchi looked up in shock. “What? Of course I am… I…” He bit his lip.

“He’ll be ok.”

“How do you know?”

Sitting back, Sugawara smiled at him. “He has you.” Yamaguchi’s heart swelled with feelings he wasn’t even aware he had, and Sugawara took notice. “Will you go see him?”

Nodding, Yamaguchi smiled at last, breaking the melancholy on his face. “Yeah.”

“Talk to him. He needs some company – he lives in his head all the time, so… I think he might be lonely.” Sugawara glanced at Daichi, who was watching closely, hanging back to let Sugawara be the mother hen for once. He winked at him before he looked back towards Yamaguchi. “He just needs some rest – but he probably can’t relax until you get him to admit what’s on his mind.”

“On his mind…?”

“You can tell he’s holding something in, right?”

“Yeah, he usually tells me, but he won’t-”

“He will!” Sugawara slapped him on the back, hard. “He’s probably just hesitant because… it’s personal to him.” Or because it’s about you, Sugawara thought. He’d been watching everyone pretty closely since training week. His sharp eye didn’t miss a lot. “But don’t hesitate to push him. Remember, he can’t relax until he spills about everything weird going on with him. You have to be rough! Got it?”

Yamaguchi blushed. “G-Got it!” He got up from the bench and wobbled a little back into the fray. Sugawara grinned. He’d be ok. After all, he was Tsuki’s only crutch when things got rough; if he pushed him away too far, it would hurt the both of them. Tsuki never did anything stupid like that. Especially not when Yamaguchi’s feelings were involved.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara got up. He wanted to pull Daichi aside just to give him a sign that Yamaguchi was ok, but he noticed how flustered Daichi looked and thought better of it. He was all red in the face as he shouted something at Nishinoya. The wink was too much for his little heart, apparently. Sugawara felt a brief stab of remorse. Maybe he should just end his suffering. It was really painful to watch him try to figure out what was going on. He took a deep breath and let it out with a whoosh that sucked away all his energy. How was he going to go about this?

He tried to think while they practiced receiving, but could find nothing solid to begin with. Daichi, I think we should kiss, Sugawara thought sarcastically. You should kiss my ass, that is. A ball hit him full in the face with a loud smacking sound. He caught it before it fell, but his nose throbbed. He looked up at the sky.

“Sorry,” he apologized, trying to appease whatever gods were reading his dirty thoughts.

“Who are you talking to?” Hinata asked curiously. He had paused in his receiving to see Sugawara praying to the sky. His brown eyes were alight with a fire only volleyball could spark in him; his orange hair seemed to glow.

“No one, hahaha,” Sugawara laughed awkwardly and waved his hand. Another ball hit him in the face.

“Sugawara! I’m so sorry!” Ashai called, wallowing in self-deprecation.

“It’s ok! I wasn’t paying attention!”

Kageyama, across the net, hit a ball directly into Hinata’s face when he was still looking at Sugawara. It hit home and immediately Hinata screamed in pain. Kageyama laughed, and everyone covertly stared at him. He never laughed! Hinata didn’t get mad, either, he just rubbed his face and pouted. Then, in one swift motion, they began hitting receives back and forth again like nothing ever happened. Except Kageyama was smiling now. Everyone shivered. Was it the apocalypse? Smiling and a laugh?

A cheerleader was well-contained inside Sugawara and she was screaming about being right. He knew Hinata and Kageyama were going to be a couple soon – he saw it more every day. He hit a ball over the net that Daichi happened to receive, and just as he hit it back, Sugawara spotted a shy, love-struck expression on his face. He gaped. So cute, he thought dizzily. Maybe he does know what’s going on! He’s not a moron after all!

The ball hit him in the face again. This time, Sugawara just let it take him down. When he opened his eyes the ceiling was far overhead and the ground was on his level. It was all so sudden. He was ok, though; just dazed. As he struggled to sit up Daichi appeared beside him, kneeling and looking very guilty. Traces of the expression he’d just put on full display flickered in his eyes. Sugawara stared into his face shamelessly.

“I’m sorry, I-I thought you could-” Daichi stammered.

“Cute,” Sugawara interrupted. All the muscles in Daichi’s body locked up and he couldn’t move.

“W-What?” He forced.

“Oh, shut up with that cute look,” Sugawara grouched. He was in a lot of pain now; damn his foul thoughts, why did they have to get him in trouble if no one else could hear them? He rubbed his face. “That look on your face… it distracted me.”

“…I’m sorry, Sugawara.”

“What? It’s ok, it just-”

“I didn’t mean for you to see it, I was hoping you’d be distracted by the ball.”

“…What?”

Daichi turned seven shades of red. “I…”

Groaning, Sugawara shoved him over. “I can’t handle you! I think I have a concussion…”

“You?!” Daichi protested from the floor. “You just knocked me over!”

“Baby…” Sugawara stumbled to his feet and held out his hand to Daichi. “Sorry. My face hurts now.” Their hands locked. Sugawara rolled back on the balls of his feet and flexed the muscles in his arm as he hauled Daichi to his feet. He was going to let go, but Daichi drew him in close, surprising them both. Their brown eyes locked.

Sugawara flushed. It was just like this morning, except this time there was a change in Daichi’s eyes. They reminded him of a soldier’s eyes. There were no traces of the flustered boy he’d just shown. He pressed their bodies together, shyly looking away as Daichi leaned in close.

“Let’s talk after practice.” Daichi met his eyes kindly when Sugawara looked up again. “You and me.”

 

* * *

 

 

After they’d swept the floors and put away the net, everyone scattered. Yamaguchi bolted out the door to Tsuki’s house, the other second years meandered away, Ashai and Nishinoya took off to the store, and Kageyama and Hinata raced down the road passed them to get ice cream. Only Daichi and Sugawara were left. They locked up the gym.

The night was much colder than it had been. Sugawara shivered in his track suit as the wind blew; it tasted like rain, and everything was damp, so they knew it’d rained while they were practicing. With the clouds looming overhead, it looked like it might rain again soon. As they walked towards the front of the school Sugawara glanced at Daichi timidly. He hadn’t had to initiate something after all. Good thing, too. He’d been at a total loss.

“Yamaguchi is going to talk to Tsuki,” he piped. “I think Tsuki’s love sick and just doesn’t know it. Maybe this will get things out in the open.”

“What? Really?” Daichi blinked. “I didn’t peg Tsuki as the type.”

Sugawara laughed. “He turns down all the girls!”

“You’ve got me there. Do you really think that’ll fix things?”

“They’ll be ok. They’ve been friends longer than any of us have, right?”

Shrugging, Daichi pushed his hands into his pockets. “Well… maybe not longer than you and me,” he admitted. “And I think we can beat them to the punch, too.”

Sugawara flashed him an eager look. “Nothing would make me happier.”

Silence fell. Nothing more really needed to be said; well, nothing to them, anyway. Something had changed between them as easily as flipping a switch. They walked in sync with mutual smiles on their faces. There was no touching. There was no awkward eye contact. They just walked home, and when it came time for them to part ways, Daichi reached out and squeezed Sugawara’s hand just once. The look in his eyes said it all.

They exchanged a look of mutual agreement before their fingers slipped away and the night swallowed them up.


	5. Sweet Orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are growing heated...

Tsukishima had walked home in a trance. He’d undressed in his room, dropping everything to the floor without thinking, and climbed into bed without replying to his mother’s pounding on the door. He didn’t emerge for dinner. He didn’t sleep. He just lay in bed on his stomach, staring at the wall, and trying not to think about missing practice.

Why hadn’t he just ignored Yamaguchi? He winced. He’d realized just how much Yamaguchi cared for him, and how much he cared for Yamaguchi – and both were way more than he was ready for. His eyes slid shut. So turns out he’s gay. So what? He was also a volleyball jock, naturally an asshole, and damn good at gardening. None of that changed who he was. It was _who_ he was that mattered, right? And without Yamaguchi… he just wasn’t himself.

Burying his face in his pillow, he wrapped his arms around it and tensed his whole body. He wasn’t ready, not yet. He was gay, yes, but going from friends to gay crush with Yamaguchi was way too much for him to handle right now. If only he could sleep… then maybe he’d have enough energy to deal with all this…

Damn, was he stupid? How had he not seen this coming? He hadn’t met a single cute girl that he was attracted to. But he was more like a closet misanthrope than a closet homosexual. He just hated everybody. Yamaguchi… he didn’t hate him nearly as much as anyone else. He did hate him for being too clingy, and too nice, and too… Tsuki bit his tongue. Too cute.

It was all his fault. If he wasn’t attached to Tsuki at the hip, maybe he would have never known that he was gay. Or at least he would have made it out of high school before realizing anything was up. This was all his fault.

 

* * *

 

 

            Soft knocking on his door woke Tsuki a few hours later. So he _had_ managed to sleep! Why the fuck was he awake, then?! Who could be interrupting this bliss?! Sitting up angrily, he turned onto his side and rubbed his face. “Go away,” he groused.

“Tsuki?”

It was Yamaguchi! Tsuki sprang out of bed and yanked the door open in one swift motion. He was mostly naked, in just his boxers, but he didn’t care even a little. Standing in the doorway, looking terrified, Yamaguchi was clutching his bag like a skittish cat. The house behind him was dark.

“Y-Your brother is downstairs watching TV,” he stammered. “He let me in, I… I’m sorry I woke you! I thought you couldn’t sleep…?”

“Come in, Tadashi” Tsuki said quietly. He went back to the bed and sat down slowly by his pillow as Yamaguchi stepped inside and closed his door gently. “It’s ok. I told you to come by.” He rubbed sleep out of his eyes wearily. “I feel a little better anyway.”

“Good…” Yamaguchi let out a breath he’d been holding with a wave of relief. He sat on the end of Tsuki’s bed with his bag in his lap. “I was really worried about you, you know. That’s why I told you to go home.”

Tsuki nodded. “I know.” He studied Yamaguchi from across the bed. Without his glasses he couldn’t see more than five feet, so the only thing that wasn’t blurry was Yamaguchi. It was nice to be able to look at him and understand the feelings stirring in his chest. That look weighed heavy on Yamaguchi’s heart. He felt color rising in his cheeks.

“Since when do you call me Tadashi?” He asked timidly.

“It’s your name, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… But…”

“Is it too personal?”

“No!” Yamaguchi kicked himself mentally. “Sorry… it’s fine. I actually like it. Why, though…?”

“You’re awfully persistent today…” Tsuki leaned back against the wall, glancing him up and down. “Because I like it. Thank you, by the way.”

“F-For what?”

Tsuki took a deep breath through his nose and paused to think. His eyes wandered around the darkened room. There was no light, he realized. Yamaguchi probably couldn’t see him all that well. Did he even know he was looking at him intently?

“You stopped me because you care. So… thank you.”

“Tsuki…” The space between them seemed to get smaller as Yamaguchi put his bag on the floor and looked down at his lap.

Even in the dark, Tsuki could see him blushing. “I’m sorry.” He said. Yamaguchi looked up, and Tsuki’s heart thundered in his chest.

“Don’t be!”

 “You always look out for me, I’m just too stubborn to notice all the time. No one…” Tsuki’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “… no one else… looks out for me. I don’t think I want them to. But with you…” Laughing, Tsuki rubbed his face. “I can’t stop you, can I?”

Yamaguchi was gaping at him. Since when did Tsuki laugh?! He turned to face him, leaning forward. “Are you sure you’re not sick, Tsuki?”

Tsuki smiled. “I’m sure.”

For a moment it was just them. The floor dropped away beneath the bed; the whistle of the wind against the window died away, and the night seemed to fade slowly out of view, receding from an unseen light source. It was the light of two hearts, glowing in the dark. Tsuki could feel its warmth. Yamaguchi was now realizing that it wasn’t just his heart glowing anymore. He moved closer to the light, drawn to its comforting radiance.

On the contrary, Tsuki felt himself withdraw. He was afraid. The light was an unknown. How would it treat him? Could he handle taking care of it – what if it went out? Deep dark needles of fear pricked his heart, and with every inch that closed between them the pain grew more ferocious and more agonizing, until the dip of the mattress beneath the weight of Tadashi drawing near gave him a cold jolt of terror. Tsukishima looked away. He didn’t want Tadashi to stop, but he could barely contain his panic.

“I’m glad you’re ok… I’m so glad…” Yamaguchi whispered in the dark. He curled up his body with his socks pushing into the rumpled covers. Their bodies connected at the hip. Yamaguchi’s head sank down onto Tsuki’s shoulder, and he curled his arms around himself defensively, as if he were afraid, too. But his eyes were shut and his face was red and the most content smile was curving his lips up at the corners.

Tsuki didn’t have the heart to tell him no when Tadashi reached out and touched his bare chest. Instead, he withdrew further into himself. Moving was out of the question – illegal even, with such innocence depending on him – but the more he thought about this touching, this closeness and what it meant, the worse he felt.

“Tadashi…” He whispered. “Please, I can’t…”

“Why can’t you?” It wasn’t mean, or pushy; instead Yamaguchi’s voice was low, reverberating like the hum of a song with a knowing note.

“I just can’t.” He held his breath as Tadashi opened his hand and pressed his palm over his heart, his fingers brushing over his soft nipple and making it hard. The feeling sent sparks of lust dancing through Tsukishima’s body. He shifted his hips. Fear had him in a vice. Tsuki broke out in a cold sweat and let his breath out with a shudder, dragging a hand over his face.

“It’s all right to tell me. I promise it’ll be ok.” Yamaguchi pressed gently. “I’m here for you, Tsuki.” He was right. Of course he was, it was Yamaguchi.

“It’s too much for me, ok?!” Tsuki burst out. With one arm he pushed Tadashi away. He put his other arm over his chest protectively, his whole body trembling with emotion. “Please don’t make me say it.”

Hovering nearby, unsure, Tadashi thought fast. “Do you trust me, Tsuki?” He asked.

“Yes…”

“Then sit back.”

 Trembling, overwhelmed, Tsukishima did as he was told for the first time in his life. He leaned back against the wall again. His knees were brought up to his chest. A warm hand touched his thigh.

“Do you like me, Tsuki?”

“I…” Tsuki put his hands over his eyes and dug his fingers into his hair. “Yes!”

The light grew brighter by far. “I like you, Tsuki. I like you a lot,” Tadashi said tenderly. “But… what does it feel like to you?”

 “It feels like I’ve been walking around in the dark with the sun in my pocket, and was too stupid to realize it,” Tsuki whispered. “For years and years, I was too stupid…”

“In the dark, huh? Well… I feel like I’ve been out in the sun so long that I’ve been burned.”

“You’re too bright and too warm and too close, please… don’t make me.”

Silence stretched.

“…Tsuki?”

“What?”

“Can I touch you?”

Tsukishima’s heart was pounding like a racehorse on the last stretch of track before the finish line. His mind whirled and spun but all he could think was yes, please, yes, please… God, yes, please… It had been too long since he’d allowed anyone to be close to him. He needed it.

He didn’t hear himself speak but he must have been thinking out loud because Yamaguchi’s hand closed around his thigh. He pushed his body against Tsuki’s and suddenly the trembling stopped. Tsukishima could breathe again. He knew then that he was safe. He reached out gingerly into the darkness and touched the soft jacket of the track suit Tadashi was wearing and grabbed it with white-knuckled strength. He needed to anchor himself down before he floated away with this feeling of trust to buoy him up.


	6. Calypso Orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time since Yamaguchi has been this hopeful.

Yamaguchi stayed the night.

Tsuki didn’t know why he asked him to stay. He wasn’t ready to be physical, but what he was ready for was company. For too long he’d been alone in his cold heart. Yamaguchi neatly folded his things into a corner like they belonged there and climbed into bed like he’d always wanted to belong there. Tsukishima met him with open arms. They buried themselves in each other and hid under the covers, excited by the privacy and intimacy of sleeping together.

They stayed tangled up for a few hours just listening to each other’s heartbeats. Holding Yamaguchi in his arms banished all the pain Tsuki been forced to carry lately. It melted away like chocolate left in the freezer for too long melted in the microwave. Yamaguchi softened his anger, allowed him to trust, and brought out a side of himself that he’d never seen before. That side of him was someone he’d locked away since he was young; someone who treated Yamaguchi tenderly, like delicate silk. They had never truly met, him and Tsukishima. He’d been afraid of the vulnerability of tenderness. It was therapeutic to finally be at peace with him.

When Tsuki slipped away into slumber Yamaguchi stayed up, feeling too antsy to sleep. He pressed his cheek into the pillow and watched Tsuki’s chest rise and fall. The innocence on his face looked foreign. Yamaguchi began to trace the lines of his cheek, committing it to memory. If Tsuki was ever lost to him, he would remember this time in vivid detail. This memory would be a precious treasure of his.

Tremors shook Tsuki’s body as he settled deeper into sleep. Yamaguchi tucked the blankets in around him, amazed at how soft he looked when he stopped moving. The long graceful movements of Tsuki’s sinewy body always reminded him of a crane. There was nothing he did that wasn’t graceful except maybe confess his feelings.

Yamaguchi bit his lip to keep from giggling. Seeing Tsukishima out of his comfort zone was so endearing. He’d tried so hard to be straight with him earlier. Well, gay, he supposed. Tadashi reached out and brushed his fingers along Tsuki’s chest and throat. He knew that Tsuki was too far gone to feel it and he wanted him to sleep, Yamaguchi just loved the soft, warm feel of his body.

Tsuki’s broad chest was so attractive. His nipples were pale pink, like twin cherry blossoms, and only soft blonde hairs grew down the center of his breast. His pectorals swelled with breath deliciously and deflated again, making Tadashi’s mouth water. He’d had spotted a happy trail of blond hair down Tsuki’s pelvis when he had flung the door open. If only he could touch it…

No, Yamaguchi thought, and bit his tongue hard. He isn’t ready for that. I don’t even think I’m ready for that, but I need to wait. I need to let Tsuki heal. He pulled the blankets up around Tsuki’s chest and tucked them in gently.

He’d had a crush on Tsukishima since the day he met him. It was young love then, a kind of infatuation that he knew was just chemical, but still it had persisted. He’d always held onto a yearning for him. Tsuki’s eyes glowed with intelligence. He was the cool hero. He was the sassy savior who seemed like he was all bark, and yet he had just enough bite to keep people at bay. Smart, athletic, sassy, handsome… isolated; how lonely he must’ve been.

Yamaguchi had run his fingers through Tsuki’s blond hair just once when they were tangled up together. He didn’t want to overindulge and put him off, but he had always wanted to touch his hair. It was as soft as it looked but very curly and with a lot of tiny little knots. Tadashi was hungry to worm his fingers through the tangles and ease them out until they were all gone.

Yamaguchi blushed. He just couldn’t believe he was in bed with Tsuki. For a long time, he’d accepted the fact that Tsuki would never want him. Years had gone by with absolutely no emotional reciprocation from him and now here they were. It was probably shock, but right now Tadashi didn’t feel nervous at all. He only felt peaceful.  

Every muscle in his body was so relaxed. He yawned. “Please don’t let this be a dream,” he whispered with feeling to the darkness. Tears smarted in his eyes. “Please… please, please…” He shut his eyes and allowed the heaviness of sleep to settle over him. As he sank into slumber, a single tear slipped down his nose; it dangled off the tip of his nose, swirling in the darkness, before dropping to make a dark spot on the bedsheets.

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi’s hand slid down Tsuki’s thigh in the night and woke him. Something brushed the soft bulge in his boxers, and he knew it was Tadashi’s fingertips, and his knees parted to give him room to feel. Immediately hot bothering instincts filled his groin. He gave Tadashi something to hold onto with a shift of his hips. His nipples both tightened lustily as the hand tightened its grip and began to move. Slowly, painstakingly slowly, Tadashi stroked him.

Tsuki’s throat was dry. He’d been breathing through his mouth in a vain effort to be discreet about how turned on he was. But right alongside him, his hot breath on his neck, Tadashi was panting quietly. Their noses brushed. Something silent passed between them. I always wanted you, it said. I wish I’d known just how much.

Lubrication slowly oozed through the lining of Tsuki’s boxers. He flushed with embarrassment; some other guy was touching him, and he was already dishing out pre-come. Tadashi didn’t seem to be surprised. In fact, he waited until Tsuki pulled the leg of his boxers up before his hand slid eagerly around his bare cock. Tsuki released a moan that sent shivers up his spine. Lust flooded his senses. He was deaf and blind to everything else. Rocking his hips, he bit his lip to keep from moaning again, but Tadashi’s lips brushed his cheek invitingly. He released his lower lip so they could sink into a kiss. Their first kiss.

Then Tadashi let go of his mouth and his member.

Pleasure throbbed in his dick, making it twitch. Tsuki blinked hazily as Tadashi’s warmth shifted. Where did he go? His mouth was so soft… he wanted to taste it again. Then he felt Yamaguchi’s body shift downwards, and his heart skipped a beat. A hand circled the base of his cock. When it sank into Tadashi’s mouth, Tsukishima came undone at the seams. It was hot and tight and wet, and a tongue swirled all around his sensitive head. He grabbed a fistful of Tadashi’s hair as it began to bob up and down and his ragged breathing filled the silence. Tsuki gasped and moaned as quietly as he could, but he couldn’t hold back anymore. It felt too good.

He came in a minute and a half; virgins usually did their first time. That much he knew from being in public school. An orgasm rippled throughout his nerve endings, colors exploding behind his eyes, and the irresistible urge to thrust deeper overcame him. He sank his cock into Tadashi’s throat, pumping it gently in and out, until the stars began to fade from his eyes.

Tadashi’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. He lifted his mouth slowly from around the cock. He got a taste of the slit before he withdrew completely, which gave Tsuki’s cock another hard throb of pleasure. Tsuki’s whole body tensed and relaxed again. He went slack in bed, still gripping Yamaguchi’s hair. He was breathing heavily.

When Yamaguchi sat up, Tsuki pulled him in by the hair and kissed him with wild passion. He didn’t care about the taste, but it wasn’t too bad – smooth and salty and warm. All he wanted was his tongue inside that mouth. He wanted to be as deep inside it as his cock had been.

 

* * *

 

 

Tsuki woke with a start. Someone was in his bed. His heart pounded like a jackhammer as he slowly sat up, easing to turn around and look. He forced his eyes to move as slowly as his body did in order to keep himself calm. He cursed internally as the bed creaked a little. When he saw who it was, all the blood drained from his face. Lying dead asleep with a pillow snuggled against his chest was in fact… Tadashi Yamaguchi.

A blanket was tangled around Tadashi’s waist and a white shirt was tangled around his torso; both looked very uncomfortable, but still he slept on obliviously. So last night hadn’t been a dream? Tsukishima stared at him. His freckles were so cute. He could see his stomach because of his twisted shirt and it made his body kick on the heat. That mouth, too…

They’d touched a lot last night – it wasn’t totally improbable that they’d had sex. Had they really, though? Had he really gotten a blow job from his best friend? He touched his crotch and realized that there was no trace of dampness. No way had that mess dried in a few hours. Ok, so the blow job had been a dream. He didn’t totally relax yet. There was still a dude in his bed.

“Yamaguchi,” he said. “Wake up. We have class.”

Beside him Tadashi stirred. He yawned first, stretching luxuriously like a cat; then his knee bumped Tsukishima and his eyes flew open wide. “Tsuki? Tsuki!” He grinned like a moron and sat up. “Hey! Did you sleep ok?”

“Yes, I did. Uh… Yamaguchi?”

“Hm?”

“Did we… did we have sex?”

“WHAT?!” Tadashi yelped, turning tomato red. He held up his hands. “No way! What - what even made you think that?!”

“Christ.” Tsukishima let out a sigh of immense relief. “It was a dream, that’s all.”

Yamaguchi froze. “You dreamt that we…?”

Tsuki was blushing again. He didn’t enjoy being flustered. Yamaguchi, flattered, clutched the pillow to his chest.

“Was it good?” He asked quietly. Tsukishima opened his mouth but thought better of it and closed it again. Then he looked away in irritation, and Yamaguchi’s jaw dropped. “It was?!”

“Get out of my bed, you pervert,” Tsuki grumbled. “I need a cold shower.”


	7. Soft Peach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait, didn't he just confess? What's up with Tsuki?

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima didn’t talk about what had happened last night. Tsuki was very uncomfortable with all of it, and despite Yamaguchi’s consoling, he was still upset. Fear had his heart in its cold clutches. There was nothing to be done. As it turns out, it took a lot more than assurance to make Tsukishima trust himself with these new feelings. Tadashi realized this dejectedly when Tsuki had refused to look at or touch him all morning while they got ready to go to class. He offered him comfort, but Tsuki turned and walked away. The ice of his cold shoulder pierced Tadashi’s heart. Then, hesitant, he hurried after him.

Tadashi shoved his hands into his pockets and stared gloomily his feet as they walked to school. I thought that I had finally gotten through to him. What else can I do? Yamaguchi thought. He snuck a glance at Tsuki, who was staring blankly ahead as if he couldn’t see anything. He was trusting his feet to carry him where he needed to go. This silence was a wall between them; Tsukishima had constructed yet another barrier between them as soon as Yamaguchi had knocked one down.

Tadashi shrank away when Tsuki almost brushed his shoulder rounding the corner. He didn’t want to be touched anymore. A dark cloud had gathered over his head. He said nothing as he parted ways with Tsuki at the gates, stalking off on his own. Tsukishima, indignant, watched him go without question. He went to class by himself. He sat in a desk by himself, and spoke to, nor looked at anyone. He opened his notebook and tried to study, but all the words melted together into one big mess.

Sinking down onto the steps of the gym, Tadashi put his head in his hands. All he wanted was to be with Tsuki. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he bit his lip. Why couldn’t Tsuki just trust him? Why was it so hard for him to let go? He might be in love with two people for all he knew – cold Tsuki, and a side of Tsuki that he could barely cling onto. Where, he wondered, was the boy he’d held in his arms last night? That boy had begged him for comfort – he’d hungered for another body against his own with a lust that was too intense for words.  

Tadashi’s body was stone still but his insides were churning and roiling. Where had that boy gone - that desperate soul – and how could he bring him back?

 

* * *

 

 

The bell rang for class.

Tadashi felt empty. He refused to pay attention in class; his notes were full of doodles, and his heart was full of storm clouds. Tsukishima watched him from across the room. His golden eyes were expressionless.

Hurting Yamaguchi was the last thing that he had wanted, but he couldn’t change what he was. He just couldn’t abandon logic. If he let his heart make all the decisions, something was bound to go wrong. Even if he did give himself up to the deeper instincts and desires that had driven him to confess last night, what if it got messy? What if it didn’t work out between them? What would happen to their friendship?

Just looking at Yamaguchi half-heartedly conceal his real feelings gave Tsuki the answer. There would be no friendship if he didn’t do something.

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi was in a haze. His depressive slump had carried into his physical energy, zapping it dry. He dragged himself to class. He stared at the board without really understanding what was written there. He stepped on his own feet when he walked. Even worse, when people spoke to him, he didn’t have the energy to form sentences well. It was actually kind of funny in a cruel way.

Hinata leaned over to his desk. “Hey, did you get this answer on the homework?”

“Book sucks,” Yamaguchi said.

“What? No, the one on the board-”

“Sucks. The book.”

Hinata marched over to Ashai and Nishinoya during the class break and waved them down. “Ashai!” He cried. “Yamaguchi’s broken!”

Nishinoya tilted his head curiously. “What? Broken?”

“What’s wrong with him?” Ashai asked.

“He can’t talk right!”

“You mean he can’t talk well?”

“Go see for yourself!”

Nishinoya bolted for their class and Ashai tailed him with the intent of protecting Yamaguchi from his antics. Tadashi was packing his books into his messenger bag upside-down; he aimed for his bag missed one, and it slammed to the floor.

The two third years exchanged a look of confusion. “What did you do?” Nishinoya hissed at Hinata.

“ME?!”

Kageyama appeared out of nowhere to pick Hinata up by the collar and shake him a little. “You’re yelling,” he said.

“Sorry! They accused me of breaking Yamaguchi.”

“What? Who broke Yamaguchi?”

Ashai intervened. “People don’t just break! Someone go ask him what’s wrong.”

As he finished his sentence, Tadashi walked out of the classroom and passed them by without even a glance. Everyone froze. Guilt showed on all their faces. He didn’t even seem to see them and stared at his shoes as he shuffled by. Hinata reached out and grabbed his sleeve, making him stop.

“Yamaguchi, what’s the matter?” He asked.

Yamaguchi turned and looked him in the face. “Fine. I’m nothing.”

Shouyou whirled on them. “SEE?!”

“Hinata…”

“Sorry, Kageyama.”

Nishinoya got up close and personal with Tadashi, leaning into his face with a frown. He flicked his nose. “Hey, spill it! What’s going on with you?”

“Ow,” Tadashi protested, clutching his nose.

“He said it right!”

“Fine, I’m nothing, bye will you?” Tadashi grumbled absently. He walked around Nishinoya and held defensively onto his hurt nose as he stalked away.

Ashai crossed his arms and frowned. “This requires Sugawara.”

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi and Sugawara sat hip to hip during lunch. They ate quietly, chatting about the bad weather, and occasionally bumped elbows while reaching for their drinks. Sugawara’s face had been on fire all day. All of Daichi’s little smiles has been aimed at him, and those big, brown eyes kept finding his when he least expected it.

He was a total mess. Funny, he thought. I assumed it’d be Daichi who would be a mess. He was sure a mess before yesterday.

Glancing over at him as he ate, Sugawara studied the way he held his chopsticks and the press of his arm muscles as he moved. He’d always noticed the little things about him. How long had he had a crush on Daichi, though? He tried to think back. Maybe since they were first years. Daichi’s aptitude for leadership had come to his attention early on, so when their old team slowly began to realize it, Sugawara was surprised that they hadn’t noticed sooner. He had just figured that they were best friends so no one paid as much attention to Daichi as he did.

Now, he realized the beginnings of respect and admiration blossoming into something new. He smiled to himself as he ate. Now, together, they were something new.

“Sugawara?” Daichi piped up. “What are you thinking?”

“What? Why?”

Daichi lifted his chopsticks solemnly to point at his face. “That smile - I’ve never seen it before.”

Pausing, Sugawara blinked at him obliviously. Had there been something strange about his smile? Daichi didn’t look concerned or jealous, but instead there was an affection in the light of his eyes that was very endearing. “I’m thinking about us,” Sugawara confessed. “I… I didn’t think it would be as smooth as it is.”

“Well, we haven’t really got the energy for all that drama,” Daichi explained. “I don’t, anyway - and I know you’re trying to save me the distress.” He shrugged. “But you’re right, it is pretty smooth between us.”

Sugawara looked disappointed, and Daichi choked on his rice.

“What – is it not supposed to be smooth?!”

“It’s just…” Sugawara shrugged half-heartedly. “I thought it would be more romantic. This feels… normal.”

Daichi regarded him with kind eyes. He smiled down at his lunch. So, that was it. Glancing around to make sure no one was really paying attention to them, he shifted a bit. The other guys were all pretty intensely wolfing down their food. He slid his arm around Sugawara’s waist and drew him closer until he could covertly press his lips against Sugawara’s temple.

Sugawara was frozen stiff. He felt Daichi’s touch like a magnet; the kiss touched his skin and sent shivers up and down his spine. He trembled in the slightest way. How many times had he pictured that actually happening to him? He’d definitely been one of the lucky few to get with his long-time crush. Why was he complaining? Blushing, Sugawara put his hand on Daichi’s thigh and sat up, his other hand covering his mouth. An attractive shade of pink dusted across his nose and cheeks.

This. It was this touch, a touch just for him, which he craved.

Daichi grinned at him. “I’ll try harder to make it more romantic.” He massaged Sugawara’s flesh beneath his hand. “If this is what you want, I’m happy to oblige.”

“Pervert.”

“Where is your hand right now?”

"Sugawara!" 

Both of them turned to see Nishinoya, Ashai, and Hinata running at them at top speed. They paled when even Kageyama was seen heading up the pack. Daichi stood up.

“What is it?” He asked.

“It’s Tadashi, he’s-”

Kageyama smothered Hinata’s mouth with his hand. “He’s very upset. Something’s happened.” Daichi and Sugawara exchanged glances.

“Where is he?” Sugawara demanded.

 


	8. Vanilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi talks to Tsukishima.

Tsukishima ate lunch alone. He’d taken a few things from home and was munching in the cafeteria. He purposefully sat very far away from everyone he normally associated with. His mind was working too furiously for him to be social; dealing with people would just piss him off even more. It was infuriating to try and deal with all of the possibilities and unknown parts of his emotions. No matter how many times he tried to solve his problems, a thousand more always occurred to him.  

As someone leaned over his shoulder and asked him something about class something close to a demonic growl came out of his mouth. They screamed and ran away; Tsuki turned back to his lunch. The people sitting near him scrambled to get their lunch trays and a buffer space of six feet on all sides appeared. Those on the very edge of the buffer had shaky hands as they tried to continue eating. Tsuki bit too hard into his apple and hurt his teeth. He winced with more surprise than pain. When did he even start eating this? He put it aside angrily.

Daichi was following the group of his teammates out into the hall when he spotted Tsukishima in the center of the cafeteria. Sugawara was leading the group, and he trusted him to deal with whatever was happening with Yamaguchi. He split off from the others to talk to Tsukishima. He needed some help, too, it seemed. Daichi breached the six foot buffer zone and everyone around it dissolved into cries of protest, pleading, and tears. He tried to reason with them but they were inconsolable; he ended up having to fight his way through.

“Tsukishima,” Daichi called out.

Every single student withdrew from the buffer zone another couple of feet. They were breathless in anticipation. Tsukishima turned around slowly. The look on his face made a few girls faint in terror. “What?” He spat.

“Let’s talk.” Daichi’s tone was calm and even, but his eyes left no room for disrespect.

Sharply, Tsukishima rose, crumpling the remainder of his lunch in his fist.

As the two of them left the cafeteria, the student body breathed a sigh of relief.

 

* * *

 

 

The math hallway was empty; everyone hung out in their classrooms during lunch or they sat in the cafeteria, so no one was around to bother them. Without any one around it became very obvious that Tsuki was distracted; he avoided looking at Daichi, he kept fidgeting, and he’d slammed his uneaten lunch into the garbage on their way out without the slightest bit of remorse.

Daichi regarded him solemnly. “Did you know that Yamaguchi is upset?”

“What the fuck does that have to do with me?” Tsuki shot back.

“I’ve noticed how close you two are. I thought you might know why.”

Dropping off into a brooding silence, Tsukishima determinedly glared away from the team captain. His negative body language was growing darker; his shoulders were drawn in and his arms were tightly crossed across his chest. He rocked nervously on his heels.

“I don’t know you very well, Tsukishima,” Daichi began quietly. “You’ve got an attitude, but you like to keep to yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that. As a captain, I always wonder about who you are. As a friend, I sometimes wish that I knew how you really felt.” He smiled fondly at him. “It’s so easy to know what the others are thinking that I sometimes take for granted how vocal they are.”

Tsuki looked up at him with blank surprise and Daichi met his eyes. “What are you saying?” Tsukishima asked.

Daichi put his hands on his hips.  “Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Despite your quiet nature, what I have learned since we’ve met is how determined, how confident, and how capable you really are on the court. Off the court, I’m not so sure.”

Tsuki’s eyes cut him to pieces. “What?”

Daichi crossed his own arms. “You lack confidence in yourself.”

Shock flashed across Tsukishima’s face. Not confident? He thought he was better than everyone, how could he not be confident…? A sick feeling struck him. He looked at the floor. Oh, shit. He was… he was right. Tsuki had little to no confidence in his ability to match anyone on the court, he just refused to lose. Everywhere he looked - on and off the volleyball court - all he saw were morons that were taller, burlier, more talented, and more dedicated than he was. And no matter how much he tried to ignore it, he felt inferior to them. He had no real confidence in what he did. He only thought he was better than them because he wasn’t a moron.

“Tsukishima,” Daichi said, and Tsuki snapped out of his trance. “You’re gifted. Your height gives you an obvious advantage, but your ability to think things through and stay calm under stress is a rare gift. Whether you’re playing volleyball or not I’ve never seen you quit or back down from a challenge.” He walked over and put a hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder firmly. “It doesn’t matter how much talent you have. What matters is how you utilize it, and you can do that better than most – your grades, your attendance, and anything that you dedicate yourself to has a perfect track record because you know how to take full advantage of what you’ve been given. You should take pride in that.”

“I…” Tsukishima bit his tongue. He didn’t know what to say, but ‘I wish I could,’ was the lamest thing he could imagine, so instead he said nothing.

Tsuki stared at his sneakers. It’d been a long time since anyone besides Yamaguchi had tried to make him understand something about himself. Even then, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what Daichi was saying. Even if he should take pride in what he did well, he still didn’t have confidence in himself. He looked up at Daichi. “What do I do?”

“W-What?” Daichi stammered. He withdrew his hand awkwardly.

“To be confident. What do I do?”

“Well…” Daichi laughed. “You have to trust yourself first. You know what you’re doing, right?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then don’t be so down! You can handle whatever is in your way.”

“…I’m in my own way,” Tsukishima said softly. He imagined the part of him that was vulnerable; tenderness was on one side of him, and Yamaguchi was on the other. It was him in the middle hiding one from the other.

“…What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“Why aren’t you allowing yourself to move forward?”

“Because…” He bit his tongue. “Because I’m afraid.”

The space between them seemed to spark with tension. Never before had Tsuki said anything like that aloud to anyone except Yamaguchi; this was a week of firsts for him. He was physically in pain from admitting that he was afraid out loud to himself and to anyone else for that matter, but the look in Daichi’s eyes was gentle. It made his heavy heart feel lighter.

“Don’t let fear stop you from moving forward,” Daichi replied finally. “Overcoming your fears will give you confidence.”

Tsukishima looked away, uncomfortable with his affectionate look.

“… Is this about Yamaguchi?” Daichi asked tentatively. Tsuki winced and Daichi’s eyes widened. “Tsukishima… if you need to talk…”

“Even if I did, I don’t want to,” Tsukishima grumbled.

“Ok, ok, I just want to help. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“… Thanks.”

Silence stretched between them. Daichi was waiting for something else, and Tsukishima glanced at him. “You and Sugawara are a thing, right?”

“How did you…?!” Daichi blurted.

“He’s in love with you. I was wondering when you’d notice.” Tsukishima shuffled his feet. “How did you… get together?” He asked covertly.

Daichi rubbed his neck, embarrassed. “We communicated. It was something we both wanted.” He hesitated. “If it’s mutual with you two, then communicate. That’s all I’ll say.”


	9. White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima reaches a conclusion.

Sugawara sat beside Yamaguchi on the steps of the gymnasium. Tadashi had refused to tell him anything, instead mumbling incoherent phrases that diverted any more questions away from his problems. He’d never been more upset with himself. The group had dispersed to give them some privacy, so it was just the two of them in the cool afternoon air. Overhead, the clouds from yesterday seemed only heavier. It was supposed to storm tonight. Sugawara glanced nervously at the dark clouds in the distance.

“Say, you and Tsuki are close – why not talk to him about it?” He asked. “I know it’s hard to talk about stuff like this.” The visible cringe that contorted Yamaguchi’s face turned on a lightbulb in Sugawara’s head. “This is about Tsuki! I didn’t even…!” Leaning back, Sugawara winced. “I’m sorry…What’s going on with you two?”

“Angry,” Yamaguchi said miserably. After realizing that he was a mess, he had shortened his sentences to one word in order to get his point across. He put his head down on his folded arms and hugged his knees to his chest. He really needed Tsuki; this was a disaster.  

“He’s angry? With you?”

“Mmmm,” was the reply he got.

“Is it about… love?”

“Mmm!” Yamaguchi’s cry was muffled against his arms.

Sugawara restrained himself from screaming _, I knew it! Daichi owes me big time!_ “Are you in love with Tsukishima?”  He asked breathlessly. Instead of a verbal reply, Yamaguchi groaned like the whole world was crashing down around him and all he could do was sit there and wallow in self-pity. Sugawara patted his back empathetically “Why is he angry? Is he scared, or does he not feel the same way?”

Yamaguchi peeked over his arms, his eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t know. Not like me, probably.”

“That can’t be.”

“W-Why?”

Sugawara smiled. “I’ve seen the way he watches you. He’s always making sure that nothing bad happens – and honestly, that’s the sweetest I’ve ever seen him be.”

Thunder rumbled in the distance. Yamaguchi sat up, and both of them looked towards the gathering storm. “He watches me?” He said quietly.

“Yeah. He has a look on his face when he does it like, ‘Yamaguchi is such a dork. I need to protect him in case things go wrong. Did somebody just throw a volleyball near his head?’” They laughed a little, and Sugawara grinned from ear to ear. Yamaguchi looked much better now. “I think he’s just scared. He doesn’t really have a lot of friends, does he?”

“No, he doesn’t,” Tadashi said quietly.

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to have friends. In his own way, he’s showing that he cares about you by being cold. It’s his version of protecting you.”

Yamaguchi looked at him funny. “What…? What’s he protecting me from?”

“Himself.” Sugawara shrugged. “What can he do? If he doesn’t know how to take care of the people that he loves, he’s probably afraid of them. He’s afraid of hurting you. He might also be afraid of what it might do to him if he _did_ hurt you.”

Shyly, Yamaguchi lowered his eyes. “I can’t imagine Tsuki being afraid of anything.”

“Anger comes from fear,” Sugawara pointed out. “Don’t you wonder why he’s always so cynical?”

 “Yeah, but I thought…”

“You thought that he had a bad attitude?”

“No… I have wondered why he’s so angry, I just…” Yamaguchi opened his mouth and shut it again. “I guess you’re right.” He looked away. “So, there’s nothing I can do?”

“You can talk to him. You trust him, right? Does he trust you?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell him that it’s ok to be afraid.”

Mute shock passed over Tadashi’s face.

Still smiling, Sugawara put a hand on his arm gently. “We all take risks when we love people. Anything could happen, right? But what’s more important – loving, or being safe?”

The bell rang for class.

“Love.” Tadashi stood up. “Love is more important than anything else.”

Sugawara got to his feet as well, brushing off his uniform pants. “Exactly. He doesn’t know that - if you want him to feel better, make him understand. He can’t be comfortable sharing his love with other people, or with you, until he does.”

 

* * *

 

 

Tsukishima sat through his last classes completely blank. Nothing could get his attention. He was conflicted and angry at himself, and nothing could break the endless cycle of negativity that was torturing him. He was terrified of depending on someone romantically because he was such an asshole and he knew that he might hurt them; he was frustrated with the fact that he was afraid of something so simple; he was angry at himself for being unable to do anything about it to stop feeling this way; and he was terrified that if he didn’t do something, that Yamaguchi’s friendship would be completely lost to him.

Emotions welled up in his throat, tears smarting his eyes. He couldn’t be alone again. It was fine when he was a cocky kid but now… What would he do without Yamaguchi, his only real trustworthy friendship? No one to play video games with. No one to laugh at all his jokes or make fun of people with. No one to stand by him at all times, making sure he wasn’t doing something stupid or… hurting himself. His trust in the others didn’t even compare to how much he trusted Yamaguchi. If anything were to happen to him, he knew Yamaguchi would do anything to help – he’d run five miles to find help, or carry Tsuki on his back, or break his own bones for God’s sake! He couldn’t trust _anyone_ like that besides Yamaguchi!

He bit back his tears, but being on the verge of crying in public just made him angrier at himself. He was such a fucking wuss, and he was so tired of all this drama. Why were all these petty problems so heavy? The negativity overwhelmed him; mid-lecture, he stood up and stormed out of the classroom without a glance back. The teacher called out to him but he barely heard.

Tsukishima blindly ran to the bathroom, shutting himself inside a stall. He sat hunched over on the lid of the toilet seat and wept silently; even if he could cry out to release the immense tension in his body, he refused to do anything of the sort. He was averse to drawing any more attention to himself. He just needed to let it out - no one needed to see or hear his pain. And hopefully nobody would come after him. His sobs were hard and squeezed all the air out of his lungs in long, painful exhales as he struggled to stay quiet. He used huge handfuls of toilet paper to catch the snot running out of his nose. With every sharp intake of breath he could hear the pained whine in his voice. Damn it, he thought miserably. Why me?

When he’d let it all out, Tsuki sat there numbly. He had nothing left. He was exhausted from crying, and all his life laid out before him seemed hopelessly tiring. That’s it, he thought. I’m destined to be a pent-up mess for the rest of my days. I shouldn’t even fucking try. This is my fate.

He cursed himself. What would make all this stop? He demanded his mind to conjure the solution and to his dismay, all that appeared was the smiling face of his best friend. Yamaguchi could make him feel better. They’d touched last night in a way that was more intimate than sex – they had much more knowledge about each other’s hearts, and bodies, and he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He could feel every curve of Tadashi’s flesh beneath his fingertips; it made him mourn for the things they could be doing together if he wasn’t such an emotionally-constipated asshole. Despite his hesitance about the whole matter, they were definitely a lot closer than they’d ever been before, and they had the potential to be something amazing as a couple. Tsukishima was a virgin, but he was firmly convinced that he was great in bed.

He humored himself, staring into the light as it proceeded to blind him. No, he thought softly. I would rather suffer like this for my entire life than hurt Yamaguchi with my thoughtlessness. I can’t give in to my selfish desires. A cold acceptance washed over him.

He got up. He washed and dried his face at the sink, blew his nose, and left the bathroom behind. Everyone looked up when he came back into the classroom, but he quietly sat back down as if nothing had happened. The bell rang and school was over. Tsukishima packed his things and went to the club room. The student were buzzing about the oncoming storm. He changed while they chatted about grades or the spring preliminaries or the bad weather. When he was done, he bolted to the gym, brushing passed Yamaguchi on the threshold of the steps. He did not look up.

He practiced hard and fast, well aware of everyone’s eyes boring into him, but not once did he look at Yamaguchi. His face was unreadable. His words were cold and curt. Outside, thunder rolled ominously against the sound of volleyballs hitting the floor. Electricity sparked in the air around their heads as they spiked, rolled, and received. As the night settled in and practice ended, Tsuki abandoned the others and left without waiting for Yamaguchi to try and follow him home. He wanted to be alone right now and everyone could tell.

The stormy night welcomed Tsukishima with open arms. He listened to the sound of silence that storms caused. Everything was too afraid that the slightest noise would spook another bolt of lightning. He felt the cold air pressing down on him and as he crossed through the gates of the school towards his home, the heavens opened up and poured down rain.

Thunder erupted. Lightning flashed, but still Tsuki was calm. His heart was colder than the rain droplets as they pelted him, coming down sideways in their fury; he was soaked in minutes. The world raged around him, lashing trees with the force of the wind and chasing everyone else home, but not him. Nature did not scare him. Any mortal injury that could be done to his body was much less painful than the fate that his innermost heart had been cursed to.


	10. Lilac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima struggles to keep his decision final, but Yamaguchi decides to pop in.

Time: 10:06:15 PM

To: Tsukishima Kei

From: Tadashi Yamaguchi

Time Received: 10:08:07 PM

Message:

Tsuki, are you ok? It stormed pretty hard and

all of us got caught in it. Let me know if you’re

Ok.

Sent from: KTalk

Reply?

 

* * *

 

 

Tsukishima sat on his back porch after the storm cleared and gazed at the night sky. He felt so… empty. Something deep inside of him had hardened. It felt cold to the touch, and it took up a lot of space in his heart, but he knew he would get used to it. An absence of feeling was better than any kind of pain.

He spent the weekend alone. He shut off his phone and sat around the house, refusing to go to practice. Saturday came and went. When the sun set Saturday night, Tsuki dragged himself up off the back porch steps and went inside. His body felt as heavy as lead. Every step was a mile – by the time he got up to his room, he was emotionally exhausted. He sank into bed with his face buried in his pillow. Tsukishima slept like the dead that night, too tired to deal with his own depression.

 

* * *

 

 

           Tsukishima woke up the next morning just as heavily as he’d fallen asleep. With his golden, bleary eyes, he saw the morning sunlight softly glowing against his ceiling. The idea of this being his life forever had absolutely crushed him. All he could see was Yamaguchi; all he could feel was his warm body filling up the cold, cold space of this room.

           His Adam’s apple bobbed. He gripped his blankets with whitened knuckles. He was so alone. This couldn’t be it for him. There had to be something else – something to make up for this gaping hole in his chest.

Letting his arm dangle over the side of the bed, his hand brushed his cell phone, which was sitting quietly on the charger. He disconnected it with a swift tug. Lifting it to his face, he turned his head on the pillow to power it up. It’d been almost a day since he had checked his messages. Usually he only texted a few times a day, mostly to his brother or to Yamaguchi, but his brother was home for a while on a break from college so there was no one to check up on him except for the one person he didn’t want to hear from.

A black pit formed in Tsukishima’s throat. 6 messages. All of them were from Yamaguchi. ‘Tsuki, please text me. I need to talk to you.’ ‘I hope you’re feeling ok.’ ‘Tsuki, please don’t ignore me, I need to know that you’re ok. Please text me back.’ ‘Missed you at practice, Tsuki.’  

Such heartbreaking pleas. It actually hurt more knowing that Yamaguchi blamed himself for the way that Tsuki felt. It was Tsuki’s own fault that he was sad, useless, and emotionally lobotomized; Yamaguchi was guilty of nothing except being a good friend and a good person. When had he grown up? Tsuki smirked to himself bitterly. He scrolled down to the last message.

 

Time: 07:32:15 PM

To: Tsukishima Kei

From: Tadashi Yamaguchi

Time Received: 07:34:02 PM

Message:

I’m sorry but I need to see you, Tsuki.

I’m coming over tomorrow. See you

in the morning.

Sent from: KTalk

Reply?

 

What? He was going to come over? Just like that? Panic surged through Tsukishima. He wasn’t ready to face him yet! The shell around his heart was still being built, and still hardening – right now, it could still be shattered by the slightest resistance. That was exactly why he needed to be alone. He had to do something.

Wait, morning? When was he coming over? He fumbled to reply quickly and sent it, but he cursed himself. His thumbs were still clumsy with sleep.

 

Time Sent: 08:35:05 AM

To: Tadashi Yamaguchi

From: Tsukishima Kei

Message:

Dont cme over.

I don’t want to see you.

Sent from: KTalk

Forward?

 

Tsuki snapped his phone shut and rolled out of bed. He didn’t know if Yamaguchi was going to get that message before he got there, so he had to be ready to reject him in person if the need arose. It was a scramble against time. Nine was the earliest anyone ever came over, so if he could be ready by nine, he’d be prepared enough to send Yamaguchi away.

He beat his brother into the shower. Shutting the door, he quickly turned on the hot water and stripped down.

"Hey!” His brother complained. “I have an appointment back at school with my study group! This is my last day lazing around here, but-”

“Good thing,” Tsuki shot back. “I was getting tired of seeing your face every day.”

“Cruel!” His brother whined. “Hurry up, would you?”

Ignoring him, Tsuki climbed into the shower and yanked the curtain closed. He scrubbed shampoo into his hair, soaped up his body, and tried to calm down. Even if he did come over, it was just Yamaguchi. He could send him away easily. Tsuki winced as he got shampoo in his eyes. Blinding pain momentarily disrupted his thought pattern. He leaned out of the shower to dab his eye on a towel. No, he thought. Yamaguchi is determined to make sure that I’m ok, and I’m definitely not ok.

Someone knocked on the front door.

Shit! Tsukishima mourned internally. Shit, shit, shit! He hurried to scrub the shampoo out of his hair and pushed the soap off of his body. Yamaguchi was already here! He pictured his brother’s surprised face as he reached for the doorknob. He’d let him right in! No, no, no… Tsuki scrambled to get out of the shower. He cut the water off and wrapped a towel around his waist, hurriedly shoving his glasses onto his face. The door was flung open and he flew down the hallway and the stairs.

Only spotting Yamaguchi and his brother talking in the doorway caused him to realize his mistake. He was completely naked, dripping wet, and flushed from the hot water of the shower. A hot uncomfortable feeling writhed in his belly. Both of them turned around at the same time and he knew then that he’d definitely fucked up. Yamaguchi turned as red as a beet. His brother’s jaw dropped.

“You…” Tsuki stammered, glaring at Yamaguchi. “I…”

“Go put some clothes on, you fucking pervert!” His brother cried, his voice hitting octaves Tsuki didn’t know existed. “Get out of here!” Behind him, Yamaguchi looked like he was going to faint from confusion or embarrassment, Tsuki couldn’t tell which.

“Oh… r-right…” Tsukishima clutched the towel tightly around his waist. “Sorry.” He turned stiffly, retreating back into his room. When he shut the door behind him, he covered his face with his hand and leaned back against it.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” He whispered shakily. His face was so hot. It was too late. He’d been unable to tell Yamaguchi to leave in that flustered state. Trembling, he carefully dried his body and dressed, running his fingers through his damp hair. All of him was shaking. His sweat pants were a Godsend – wearing them felt just like hiding. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stay up here and hide from what he’d just done, so he squared his shoulders.

He descended the steps halfway, clutching the railing for dear life. They were still standing in the foyer in shock. “What are you staring at?” He snarled, and both of them snapped out of it. His brother retreated grumbling into the kitchen, and Yamaguchi came obediently to the bottom of the stairs.

“I’m so sorry,” Yamaguchi rambled. “It’s too early, I knew it was too early; I should’ve waited until ten or eleven or noon even the afternoon before I came by without warning-”

“You did warn me.”

“Yeah, but not what time-”

“Shut up and come on,” Tsuki snapped. “You’re here now, so it’s too late to leave.”

He went back to his room. Like a kicked puppy, Yamaguchi followed at a distance with his tail between his legs. They sat on his bed again. Awkwardly they avoided each other’s eyes. The smell of shampoo and fresh deodorant filled the space between them. At least I got to shower first, Tsuki thought irritably.

“So, what do you want?”

Tadashi snuck a glance at him. “You didn’t reply to any of my messages. I got worried.”

“Yes, I did reply, this morning.”

Yamaguchi checked his phone quickly. Tsuki felt a pang of regret. He shouldn’t have mentioned it right away, maybe if he’d tried to talk to him first… When Tadashi read the text he only became more disheartened. He slowly got up, clutching his phone in his hand. “You didn’t want me to come over at all.”

Tsukishima saw him move to leave and a chemical reaction in his heart snapped out his arm; his body strained, his heart hammered in his chest, and he snatched Yamaguchi’s wrist to stop him. The shell around his heart strained to stay sealed. He didn’t look up, because he knew what look Yamaguchi had on his face, and he knew that look would be the death of him. He didn’t want him to stay, he just… didn’t want him to leave this way.

“Don’t go,” he said quietly. “You just got here.”


	11. Mauve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting heated... Wait, Yamaguchi is a what?!  
> (sorry, this is a short one)

Tadashi was startled. Never before had Tsuki clung on to him - was he sick? Was he seriously considering what happened the other night? His heart thundered. Patiently, Yamaguchi sank back down. He stared at Tsukishima, who refused to look at him or release his wrist. His hand was hot and his grip was as strong as steel. It felt demanding – childish, even.

“Tsuki,” Tadashi said quietly. “You don’t want to see anyone. I understand. I… I don’t want to upset you anymore. I know you’re not feeling well.”

“You leaving will only make it worse.”

That shut him up quick. Tadashi’s eyes widened.

Tsuki grew annoyed with his long stare. “What?”

“You…” Fiddling with the end of his shirt, Yamaguchi peeked at the hand that Tsuki was clutching. “You’re upset about Thursday night, right?”

A slice of cold silence met his words. Tsukishima released his wrist and withdrew back to the wall. When Yamaguchi tried to reach out to him, Tsuki shrank away like his hand was a disgusting creature.

Sadly, Tadashi sighed and looked away. “It’s funny,” he said. “I liked you for so long that I’d sort of forgotten that you didn’t understand.” A slow tide of hurt filled his heart. “You didn’t have the slightest idea about my feelings. The rush, the infatuation, the yearning… Ever since we met I was head over heels for you, but you had no idea. Not a clue.”

Ever since they met? What, he’d had feelings for him since they were kids? The idea was staggering. It was Tsukishima’s turn to stare; he’d turned as pale as a sheet.

Yamaguchi’s eyes filled with tears. “When you noticed how much I really cared about you, I sort of went into shock. I expected you to act cool and aloof forever. That night, the way you said my name… the way you touched me and held me…” He met Tsukishima’s eyes; he was grinning through his tears. His voice was fragile like dusty China. “That night, I experienced falling in love with you all over again, Tsuki.”

Tsukishima felt a surge of horror. He was the biggest moron on Earth - he hadn’t even noticed that his best friend was in love with him! How could he have not noticed? What a worthless friend he was. Grief welled up in his chest along with yearning and sorrow, and the hard shell around his heart melted into a pool of acid that dripped all over his insides, scorching them. How… how could he have been so cruel?

Reaching out, he grabbed handfuls of Yamaguchi’s shirt. It took a rush of adrenaline to drag him closer on the bed and wrap his arms around him in a death grip. He pushed his nose into Yamaguchi’s wet cheek. “Quit crying,” he demanded. Still, Yamaguchi wept quietly into his shoulder. Tsuki crushed him against his body. “I’m sorry, ok? I... I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize,” Yamaguchi said through his tears. “You didn’t know.”

“I don’t care. I’m sorry it took me this long to notice. I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention. And I’m… I’m sorry for how cruel I’ve been.” Tsuki bit his tongue. “It wasn’t fair to you – it wasn’t fucking fair at all.”

“I said don’t apologize… I understand. It’s ok, Tsuki.”

“No.” Tsukishima spread out his big hands on Tadashi’s back, pressing him in close. The warmth from both of their bodies’ stirred things deep inside of him that he craved; fear and hesitation had left him. “This…” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I couldn’t handle how this makes me feel. I’ve always felt this way about you, I was just too stupid to realize it. I even knew that without you I wouldn’t even last a day. I was right – the minute I decided that I couldn’t handle this, couldn’t handle you… I fell apart. I made a mistake.”

Hesitating against Tsuki’s shoulder, Yamaguchi blinked the tears away as he turned his face to look into Tsukishima’s. His eyes were full of stars. “What are you saying?”

Tsukishima studied him solemnly with unreadable eyes. “I’m saying that I need you. I need this.” His gaze softened. “I wanted you so badly that I almost lost you, Tadashi. I won’t make that mistake again.” They were so close. Tsuki could feel Tadashi’s breath on his neck, and his hands on his chest. It felt like… home.

The last of Yamaguchi’s tears slipped down his cheeks. “Tsuki.” He allowed his emotions to fully show on his damp face. “I love you more than anything else.”

Those words were like the last blow to Tsukishima’s heart. “I can’t live without you,” he whispered softly. He tangled his fingers in Yamaguchi’s hair and tightened his grip. “I love you, Tadashi.”

Their noses brushed. Tsuki tilted his head and kissed Tadashi’s lips in a delicate, savory way, and Yamaguchi melted. The taste of his warm mouth was something he’d always craved but had never truly known. A rushing heat radiated from their faces. Pressing together, too nervous to move their bodies, they sat curled up on the covers and touched lips again and again. Yamaguchi’s fingers held onto Tsuki’s shirt. The hidden, banished side of Tsuki had returned in full force. He tenderly ran his fingers through Tadashi’s thick hair and allowed his other hand to drift over his waist. Resting his palm against his soft side Tsuki felt the curve there and a spark of lust flickered deep in his groin.

“I want you,” Tsukishima murmured against Tadashi’s lips.

“Tsuki…” Yamaguchi blushed, gripping Tsuki’s shirt harder after every kiss. He let Tsuki run his hands all over his body. Pushing into his touch, Tadashi finally released Tsuki’s shirt and began to let his hands find places on him that no one had ever touched before. He pushed his hands underneath Tsuki’s shirt. There, he found his delicate nipples with his fingertips, rubbing them seductively as they hardened against his touch. He felt the soft flesh of Tsuki’s flat belly; he kneaded his hip bone; and he wiggled his fingers into the thick blonde hairs that grew in a snail trail from his belly button down passed the elastic band of his sweatpants.

Tsukishima pulled his shirt up over his head and tossed it away as Yamaguchi reached for his crotch. His erection swelled with the contact. He pushed him over on the bed, rolled on top of him, and humped his pelvis with one long, slow motion. Beneath him Yamaguchi moaned. Tsuki used his own knees to spread Tadashi’s as he dipped his hips low and kneaded them into Yamaguchi’s crotch. The unusual amount of give there made him pause.

He bent his head down to kiss Yamaguchi and snaked his hand into his basketball shorts curiously. Tadashi immediately froze. He grabbed Tsuki’s lips to keep him from pulling away, but when Tsukishima pressed his two fingers into the waistband of his boxers and smoothed down his pelvis, he felt his fingers sink into something hot and wet that felt exactly like female genitalia. His brain fritzed. He hurriedly found a clitoris, massaging it to make sure he wasn’t imagining things, and then he felt Yamaguchi writhing in pleasure beneath him.

Tsuki’s head snapped back and his eyes flew open wide. “What… what is this…?”

“Tsuki,” Tadashi said weakly. “I…”

“You’re not…? You…? I thought you had a cock!” Tsukishima was getting dizzy. He sank down to lie alongside Tadashi, staring down where his arm disappeared into his shorts. “You’re a… girl?”


	12. Lavender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, it turns out that their parts work just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some sex ed here for the kiddies, but be forewarned that I'm doing all of this for a reason.

“Technically… Yes, I am a girl.” Yamaguchi covered his face with his hands. “Do you hate me?”

“I just said that I love you.”

“But I didn’t…”

“Hey,” Tsukishima protested. “If you didn’t want to tell me until it was this serious, I can understand why. I could barely handle what was going on before.” Tsuki felt oddly calm about this. His best friend was a female and he was totally calm. He felt around the warm crevice; his loins were trembling, excited to have someone inside them. “Has… anyone ever…?”

Yamaguchi shook his head violently. He moved his hands down so that he could stare at him. “You’re not mad?”

“No, you’re a virgin, I’m not mad.”

“You’re not mad at all? What about grossed out?”

Tsuki sighed, massaging Tadashi’s pelvis with his thumb. “I love you. All of you.” He paused. “This is throwing me for a loop, though. I really didn’t expect…”

“It’s fine if you want to stop.” Yamaguchi propped himself up on his elbow, giving him a sheepish smile. “I was just too ashamed to tell you – I wasn’t trying to trick you into having sex with me when you didn’t know, or anything.” He looked away. “Ever since that night, when you had that dream, I was afraid that you…”

“Would be disappointed?”

“…Yeah.”

“I dreamt that you blew me,” Tsuki smirked. “And I know your mouth works just fine.” He leaned in close. “Can I keep going?”

Yamaguchi was shaking like a leaf. “Please,” he whispered, and Tsuki pushed him down with a kiss. He swirled his fingers around inside him. Yamaguchi turned beet red.

“Does your vagina work ok?”

 “I, um… uh… it works…”

Tsukishima kissed him sensuously. “Oh, so you play with it?” He mumbled, teasing around the edge of his deeper hole. “Do you think about me when you touch yourself?”

Tadashi shut his eyes and hid in Tsuki’s shoulder, embarrassed. “Yeah, I… I think about your body… the way you look at me, the way you move…”

“Is that all it takes?”

“No, I - aaaahhh,” Yamaguchi moaned softly as Tsuki inserted one finger. He spread his legs wide and bucked his hips. Tsuki’s hand was slick in seconds as he cautiously pumped it in and out. 

“Tell me what gets you off.”

“Y-You…”

“Me what?” Tsuki pushed his finger in deeper, making him writhe.

“You… inside me…!” Yamaguchi moaned.

Tsukishima pumped his finger in and out according to how high pitched Yamaguchi’s voice got. His cock strained against the leg of his sweatpants. It felt so good to be shirtless and yet still comfortably hiding his erection; he was feeling genuinely confident about himself now.

What do I do? He wondered briefly, gazing at Tadashi’s adorable face as it contorted with pleasure. I don’t know if I can get him pregnant. Should I risk it without a condom? He blushed in shame. No, no way. He stopped fingering Yamaguchi for a minute.

“Shouldn’t I wait to go in until I put something on it?” He asked.

Panting, Yamaguchi pointed at his bag weakly. “I always keep… condoms…”

“Why?” Tsukishima slowly pulled his hand out, making Tadashi moan sharply. He kissed his forehead; that was a lovely sound.

“Just in case,” Yamaguchi muttered. “I don’t know when somebody’s gonna get a girlfriend on the team… I like to be prepared just in case they don’t have any…”

“Really?”

Silence.

Tsukishima smirked. “You put condoms on your dildo, don’t you?”

“SHUT UP!”

Laughing, Tsukishima kissed his furious mouth. “Wait here, I’ll get some. Where are they in your bag?” Grumbling, Yamaguchi indicated the front pocket. Tsuki staggered out of bed, dizzy with lust, and knelt to retrieve them. “I can be your dildo from now on.” He said shortly, like it was already pre-determined. He found the box of condoms and took out three.

When he climbed back on top of Tadashi he lowered a hand to adjust his erection; it was thick, and throbbing, and he knew that even first-time jitters wouldn’t dissuade his need to be inside him. Yamaguchi took his cock out of his hands and worked it with his own through his sweatpants. Tsukishima stiffened. This was one of the first times anyone had ever touched him. It felt so good – addicting, even. So much so that his brain felt like it had switched off. Shocked, Tsuki rode the wave of pleasure, dipping his forehead into Tadashi’s chest. Yamaguchi got in a good tight tug and a moan even rippled out of him. Whoa, Tsuki thought shakily.

A rush of need flooded his senses. Yamaguchi eased his sweatpants down his hips, releasing his hard member. It bobbed a bit. The tip was already leaking, which embarrassed Tsuki, but Yamaguchi didn’t seem to mind at all. He was using the lubrication to pump him. Groaning, Tsuki grabbed his wrist. “Enough.”

Obediently Yamaguchi let go. He stared at Tsukishima as he fumbled with the condom wrapper; the first one ripped the condom in half, making him curse. His heart was pounding so hard. His blood surged in his veins and his hands were shaking. The second one he was gentler with despite his instincts to tear at it with his teeth. Tsuki got it out and tossed the wrapper and stared down at the condom. It was rolled up, and slick, and it had a little hat like a flopped over sock at the top. It was so weird to be holding a real one. He only ever saw condoms in TV shows or in porn. 

Yamaguchi took it out of his hands. “This faces out,” he said, pointing to the little protruding hat part. Both of them looked down as Yamaguchi put the condom on the tip of Tsukishima’s penis and began to gently roll it down. Fidgeting, Tsuki bit his tongue against the feeling. It was equally weird and pleasurable, but it went on well and Tadashi pointed to the space he’d left between the top of the condom and his penis head. “Always leave space for motion, or else it’s more likely to tear.” He lectured.

Spitefully, Tsuki plunged his hand into the leg of Tadashi’s shorts and sank his fingers into his pussy, making him cry out with pleasure. He stretched out prostrate on the bed and Tsukishima’s cock throbbed in anticipation. Working Yamaguchi, he positioned himself just right and took a moment to savor the blind ecstasy on his face. It was so beautiful. He wanted his cock to have Tadashi make that face, only worse.

He pulled out his slick fingers and held Yamaguchi’s shorts open to his tight wet hole as he eased his hips forward. His cock, just above average length, dragged up and down the hot crevice, very quickly covered in natural lubricant. Tsukishima’s thoughts shut down entirely.

“Can I…?”

“Please,” Yamaguchi moaned. “Fuck me, Tsuki…”

“God,” Tsuki moaned, pushing the tip of his cock in first. He pumped it gently against the outside. Yamaguchi was so nervous that his entire body was one tense muscle. It was way too tight for him to get inside. “Relax… Tadashi, relax, I’ll be gentle…” He murmured, stroking Yamaguchi’s thigh with the hand that wasn’t pointing his cock inside of him. He’d stopped pumping in order to allow him time to calm himself. “It’s ok…”

Tadashi was quivering from head to toe. He forced himself to calm down; his horny dreams of fucking Tsuki were finally a reality, but his fear of sex was still haunting him. He’d always been deathly afraid of damaging himself. After all, he was born with a condition - this wasn’t the genitalia boys were supposed to have. What if he damaged it beyond repair? It’s Tsuki, he heard a voice inside his head say. He’ll take care of you, just like he always does. Trust him.

Every muscle in his body relaxed. He shut his eyes. Easing his legs open, he took in a slow, deep breath and let it out just as slowly. Tsuki bent to kiss his stomach. “Good,” he coaxed. “I’m going to try again.”

Carefully, he pressed his cock into the hole, and was relieved to find that this time it welcomed him in. He still used small, gentle thrusts, holding back his violent desire to pound it as more and more of him fit inside. God, Yamaguchi felt so good! Tsuki groaned in desperation. Tadashi’s pussy wrapped around his cock perfectly with its hot, quivering wet walls, sucking him in like there were diamonds in his sperm. He sank in balls-deep.

A moaning, writhing mess, Yamaguchi’s hips began to move of their own volition, coaxing out Tsukishima’s more violent sexual nature. He began to pump in and out with long, slow motions. With every thrust he got deeper inside of him, pushing harder to hit the walls of his vagina just right. When he did, both of them erupted with porno-worthy noises. Every motion sent waves of pleasure through Tsuki’s groin. He laid his body flat against Yamaguchi, pinning his arms over his head, and plunged deeper into him with every thrust.

“Oh, God,” Tadashi moaned lustily. Tsuki is inside me, he thought hazily. Oh my God, he’s really inside of me! It’s in so deep… The rest of his thoughts were lost to his insatiable lust.

Something gathering in his balls ripped away his sensibility; Tsuki finally let go and fucked him wildly. Tadashi arched his back, his mouth open wide and his face the picture of ecstasy as Tsukishima hit sweet spots inside of him that he hadn’t even known were there. He cried out Tsuki’s name over and over, his body twisting and pushing and splaying open to be played with. His shirt rode up to his collar. Tsuki bent down and took one of Tadashi’s exposed nipples between his lips. He teased the hardened tip with his tongue, causing much more of a reaction than he’d anticipated as the outer rim of Yamaguchi’s pussy began to spasm and he bucked like a bronco beneath him.

That was the last straw. Something sweet and tantalizing blossomed in Tsukishima’s balls, rocking his cock with ecstasy like he’d never experienced before. He came hard and fast. Colors exploded behind his eyes, blinding him to everything except Tadashi’s body underneath his own as it, too, was senseless with orgasm. They thrust together like animals in heat just long enough to squeeze out every last drop of pleasure left in their bodies.

Then, suddenly, it was over. The world faded back into view. Yamaguchi went limp, panting and covering his eyes with his arm, trying to hide his post-sex face. Having Tsuki inside of him had put him into shock. He could still feel the ghost of his pounding cock even as it rested, still and warm, inside of him. All he could think about was that orgasm.

Tsukishima didn’t want to pull out. He lay feeling every contraction of Yamaguchi’s vaginal walls sucking him in and knew right then that something had gone wrong. He sat up on his hands and knees slowly. Trembling, he reached down and grabbed the end of the condom at the base of his dick, making sure it came out with his exhausted cock as he pulled out of Yamaguchi’s vagina.

When the head emerged last, Tsukishima’s heart snapped away from his veins and clattered down his ribcage, plunging into an acidic hole in his belly. Come was oozing down his shaft and dripped onto the sheets beneath them, unhindered.

The condom had broken.


	13. Amethyst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you even handle something like this?

 “It broke.”

“What?” Yamaguchi asked breathlessly, still recovering.

“The condom, Tadashi. The condom broke.”

Tadashi sat bolt upright. “WHAT?!”

“I… wasn’t paying attention…”

“TSUKI!”

“I’m sorry!” Tsukishima snapped, feeling defensive.

“Christ!” Yamaguchi was dizzy with panic. He began to shake; he clutched his clothes protectively, tugging his shirt down to cover his belly. There was something foreign inside of him. “How could this have happened? It was just the first time! Jesus Christ…”

Tsuki was cold. “I…”

“… They were cheap,” Yamaguchi said numbly. “It’s my fault. I bought cheap condoms. I didn’t think I’d ever have to really use them, but still… I…”

“No. I lost myself in you,” Tsuki protested quietly. “It’s my fault, Tadashi. It was my responsibility, especially since it was the first time.” He pulled the condom off and held it up. The tip was frayed, totally ripped apart, and the sides had tiny rips in them, too. Even if the top hadn’t broken, the sides would have probably caused a major leak.

They were both silent for a long time. Something so fragile and cheap hung between two people, deciding randomly by chance whether they were making love or making life. Their eyes met. The mutual feelings that passed between them anchored them to the ground before they got lost in a sea of panic.  

“They have things for this.”

“What are they?”

Tsuki sat back, pulling his underwear and sweatpants back over his cock, still dripping and slick. “I’ll have to ask my brother.”

“What?!” Tadashi blurted.

“I have to.” Solemnly, Tsuki looked Tadashi in the eye. “They’re products that act like spermicide. I don’t know the specifics, but he’s used them before. He had a scare with his girlfriend last year. It was the same thing.” He realized how harsh he was being, having immediately reverted back to being an asshole, and mentally smacked himself. Yamaguchi was trembling from head to toe and just as terrified as he was. Fear was no reason to shut him out. “I’m sorry,” Tsuki said gently, holding out his arms. “I’m sorry. Come here.”

There were tears in Tadashi’s eyes. Relieved for the chance at comfort, he threw his arms around Tsuki and buried his face in his shoulder. Tsukishima held onto him, trying to squeeze him tight enough to stop his shaking. Their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.

“Come on. I’ll give you something wear, and you can get cleaned up.”

 

* * *

 

 

Tsuki gave him a pair of his own boxers and clean sweatpants, letting him go to the bathroom first. He descended the stairs gingerly. All of him was hot and sore, and he wanted to take another shower to get the sweat and slick off of his body, but more than that he wanted to make sure that Yamaguchi was going to be ok. He had no idea what was going on inside of his body or if it was even safe for him to carry a child if he did get pregnant, and that terrified Tsukishima beyond belief. He could have just done something truly awful to Tadashi’s health.

The house was empty. His brother had left for college already. It took him an hour and a half to drive back to college so he was probably halfway there by now. Deep inside Tsuki’s chest, something cold and poisonous seeped into his veins. This was exactly what he thought might happen – just not to this extreme. He’d been completely underestimating his ability to fuck up something so perfect and innocent. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs to wallow, he looked down at himself. What right did he have to knock up Yamaguchi? What gave him the right to take advantage of the only person he truly loved? Darker, more horrifying thoughts filled his head, and he fought against them as he ran to his room and grabbed his cellphone.

It rang four times.

“Tsuki? What’s wrong?” His brother’s voice was incredibly high-strung; he knew very well that his brother never ever called him.

Tsuki’s throat was closing up. His voice was strained. “I did something bad, Akiteru. Really bad.”

“Kei, Jesus Christ – are you ok, is anyone hurt?”

“No... No one’s hurt.”

“Tell me what happened, Kei.”

Tsukishima told him what happened. He was brief, cold, and empty, and his brother held his breath for the entire duration of his explanation. When he was finally finished, Akiteru let out a low whistle that came crackling through the phone lines. Tsuki was sitting on the floor of his room with his forehead on his knees. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. “What do I do?” He whispered into the phone cradled to his cheek.

“The first thing you do is stop panicking.”

“Akiteru…”

“No, I mean it,” his brother ordered. “Stop. Nothing will be solved by panicking, you know that. Relax. Take a deep breath and calm down, baby brother.”

Tsuki sucked in a ragged breath. “Ok.”

“Ok. The next thing you do is run down to the store. Not the small one – the one with the pharmacy in the back. And you march up to the counter and tell them what happened.”

A sob tore through Tsuki; he gripped his hair in his fingers so tightly that it felt like he was ripping it out. “I can’t,” he hissed.

“Kei, you don’t have a choice,” Akiteru said gently. “This is urgent. They’ll know what to give you. Pay for it on the credit card mom left you – don’t worry, I’ll pay off the charge before she sees it. All you have to do is hide the bill when it comes.”

“What do I do with what they give me?”

“You read the directions on the box, and then you and Yamaguchi follow them.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

A wave of shallow relief washed over Tsuki; it was so simple. He could all of that, even telling a complete stranger that he’d just lost his virginity. If it was that easy, he could do anything - anything to make this right again. “Akiteru, I…”

“No time to thank me. Get up. Go to the store, right now. Take Yamaguchi with you – this needs to be done quickly. They have a bathroom you can use.”

“A bathroom…?”

“You’ll see. Relax. It’s not a needle.”

“Thank God… Jesus Christ, Akiteru…What have I done…?”

“Have you got Yamaguchi calmed down?”

“Yeah, I-”

“Then stop fucking panicking, Kei, I really mean it. She’ll –”

“Yamaguchi is a boy.”

“Ok. You need to stop or else _he’ll_ see you panicking and _he’ll_ panic, too. It’s his body that’s gotta deal with this, not yours – you’re obligated to take care of him in any way that you can. And Kei?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Thank you for calling me.”

“What?”

Akiteru crackled over the line like he was sighing. “I love you, Kei. Don’t ever hesitate to ask me for anything else. I’m always here for you, baby brother.”

“Thank you, Akiteru, without you…”

“Hey, quit it. And call me when you’re finished. I want to know how it went.”

Tsuki was overwhelmed by tears.

“Everything will be ok!” His brother laughed. “Stop being a baby. You’re a man now, Tsuki – go take care of your woman.”

“Boy.”

“Boy! Whatever! Get your ass up and go!”

Click.

 

* * *

 

 

When Yamaguchi came out of the bathroom, he was trembling again. His face was deathly pale. He walked into Tsuki’s room looking for him. When he spotted him tying on his shoes in a hoodie, as calm as the sea before a storm, he held up his soaked shorts. “We really did a number… on my clothes…” He laughed hollowly.

Tsuki stood up and took the shorts out of his hands, tossing them into his laundry basket. “I’ll wash them when we get back.” He took Tadashi’s face in his hands. “Put on your shoes. I know what we have to do.”

“R-Really?” Tadashi let Tsuki lead him downstairs by the hand.

“I called my brother – he had already left to go back to college, but he told me everything. We need to go to the pharmacy and get medicine.” Tsukishima helped him sit down. He rubbed his back as Tadashi tied on his sneakers clumsily. “Everything will be ok, Tadashi. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you I promise.”

They locked the door behind them and left holding hands, like two life rafts nosing together in the middle of a stormy ocean.


	14. Royal Purple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is explained.

The method they’d been given was a quicker one. There was a morning-after pill, but the pharmacy tech had decided on a gel that had to be, for a lack of a better term, ejaculated into Yamaguchi. It came in a plastic syringe-like applicator. You drew the correct amount of gel inside the round plastic tube and inserted it into the vagina. Then, you pushed the gel out by pressing down the top of the applicator.  

“The chemicals only stop the movement of the sperm,” the tech had explained. “It’ll lessen the chances of pregnancy, but will not damage the vagina or the possible zygote in any way.”

They’d gone into the bathroom together to do it, but it turned out to be rather simple. It just required Yamaguchi to lay down. So, Tsuki took off his hoodie and spread it on the floor, and he’d talked him through it as steadily as possible.

The entire ordeal had truly made a man out of Tsukishima. Not only had he lost his virginity, but in the same day he’d shared one of the scariest moments of his life with Yamaguchi – and together, they managed to do everything Akiteru had told them to do. When it was all over with, they thanked the tech a thousand times and walked back home.

Only time would tell whether it had worked or not. It was still possible that Tsuki could be a father and he had to be ready for that. I mean there was really no way for him to be ready to have a child at sixteen but he damn well had to try – both he and Yamaguchi were to blame, but he was going to take full responsibility for whatever happened.

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi and Tsuki walked along the busy sidewalk, glancing fearfully at everyone that passed as if they might know about what they’d done. Somehow it felt wrong. Stopping the natural ebb and flow of life was so arrogant of humanity. Life was bound to happen. To try and stop it was like a smack to the face of God. No, it said. We aren’t going to accept what we’ve done. We deny you, and the consequences. But we do it together.

Tadashi held Tsuki’s pinkie finger like a child. Tsukishima, towering and brooding, used his body language to keep people away from them. It worked. He protected Yamaguchi through small throngs of people when they came across them. Once they were out of town, the streets became silent, until barely a car passed them by. Their footsteps echoed among the birdsong.

“I'm intersex.” Tadashi didn’t look up from his feet. "I have progestin Induced virilization."

Glancing at him curiously, Tsuki’s frown settled. “What’s that?”

“It means... I was born with girl parts.”

“Oh. Ok.”

They walked on for a bit, Yamaguchi scuffing the concrete, until he tugged Tsuki to a stop. He sank down onto a short brick wall alongside an empty playground. Tsukishima sat alongside him and looked into his face worriedly.

“Are you all right? Is something wrong?

“No. I’m tired.”

“…Do you want to talk about it more?”

“Yes.”

Tsuki twined their fingers together. “Then I’ll listen.”

“I…” Yamaguchi sighed. “I’ve never told anyone. It’s not something you get used to, it’s just the way I am.” He looked up. The world around him seemed too bright, too sharp, and too big. “I was born with a female phenotype. My parents began with girl colors and allowed me to choose what I wanted to be as I grew up, simply because they’re amazing parents. Only when they realized how male I was acting did they bring me to the doctor. I was five. It took a few years for my body type to develop before they really knew, but the doctor assumed what was happening from the start.”

“What did your parents do?”

“They were shocked. I was probably eleven, and I remember being told to stay in my room for a long time while they talked about it. In the end they decided to tell me.” He smiled at his lap. “They wanted me to be whatever I wanted, and from a young age I felt totally accepted by them. So... around a year later, I had surgery. It made my reproductive parts more accessible so that if I wanted to, later in life I could conceive. I went through puberty struggling twice as much as anybody else, but no one will ever understand - I knew that from a young age, too. But I was ok.”

Tsukishima sat back a little. He had wondered why his parents were so skittish; maybe this was why. “So… what does that mean for you?”

“Every fetus starts out female, and my cells were insensitive to the chemicals that give a fetus male parts, but there was still a lot more testosterone than there was estrogen. So, instead, it gave me female parts, but there wasn’t enough of the estrogen that makes girls retain more fat and be curvy. Because of that, my parents saw that giving me male hormone treatment wasn’t the right answer. Living halfway between male and female was the only answer they saw.”

“Do you have…?”

“Ovaries, yes. Fortunately, I'm flat-chested, but only because my mammary glands were naturally small. I can get pregnant – I even menstruate every three months. Although... doctors usually cure the high risk of cancer that I have with chemical castration. I didn’t get that because my parents didn’t think it was a good idea. So, truthfully, it’s unlikely that I’ll live a long time.”

Tsukishima’s heart was clutched by a cold, tight hand. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry, Tsuki. I’ve known for such a long time that I’ve just… accepted it.”

“Is that why you’re so nice to me even when I’m an asshole?” Tsuki demanded. “Because you think you’ll die before me?”

“Tsuki…” Tadashi bit his lip. “What my body does is beyond my control.”

“No, it’s not,” Tsuki snapped. “Even if you’re not pregnant, Tadashi, I swear that I’ll take care of you until the day I die. You have to live that long because I won’t accept anything less. Ok?”

With tears in his eyes, Yamaguchi bent his head. He clutched at Tsukishima like he was his last hope at life. Then, he nodded weakly. “Ok. Ok, Tsuki.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi elected to stay the night again; they were both too on-edge to sleep, and even as late as it was getting, they shared a mutual fear of losing sight of one another. They’d even showered together as soon as they got back from the pharmacy. Why not? Already, they’d gone through much more emotionally and physically intimate things.

Tsuki clutched Yamaguchi’s hand too tight. Tadashi winced, struggling to free himself. Tsuki snapped out of his trance. “Sorry,” he said quickly, and let go. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I was,” Yamaguchi admitted. He shook the pain out of his fingers. Surprised, Tsuki stared at him. Tadashi smiled sheepishly. “When we had sex. I was definitely thinking – I wanted it. I really wanted it.”

“I did, too.” Tsuki held out his arms and Yamaguchi shifted to sit in his lap. Wrapping his arms and legs around him, he cradled Yamaguchi’s hunched body against his own.

They sat in silence on Tsukishima’s bed for a while. They dreaded the thought of telling their parents. Both of them were handsome, athletic, with perfect scores, perfect attendance, and two clean bills of health. What would their team say? What would they do? Something very adult had happened to them. Sex and children and death had finally reared their ugly heads; all had metaphorically materialized right under their noses, and that scare would not go away easily. Especially not now.

Everything had happened so fast. Both of them were still pretty jarred. Tsuki pressed his nose into Yamaguchi’s cheek and bit back tears; he wasn’t ready. He felt ready for sex, but he wasn’t ready for the responsibility, or consequences of it for that matter. He felt terrible. How simple, how much less cruel would life have been if he’d been able to send Yamaguchi away this morning.

“Tadashi.”

“Hm?” Yamaguchi sounded awful; he was really tore up about today.

“What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t think you want to talk about it.”

“About what?”

“…About the baby.”

Tsukishima’s heart plummeted. “Oh.”

“Sorry, I know it’s too soon.”

Yamaguchi tried to move away, but Tsuki held him firmly in place. “Wait,” Tsuki protested. He waited until Tadashi wearily settled down. “I know that it’s really scary for you. It’s probably much scarier than I can imagine. But… I’m scared too, Tadashi,” Tsuki confessed softly. “Don’t let that make you think that I’m angry. I’m not angry. Not with you, or anything.”

“You’re not?”

“No.” He took a deep breath. “I’m just scared.”

“Then I won’t say anything. I know we’re both pretty shaken up. I was just thinking about it, and…”

“And I asked. So. What were you thinking about the baby?”

Turning to look at him, Yamaguchi leaned into his chest. “I hope he looks like you.”

An arrow pierced Tsukishima’s heart. It must’ve shown on his face, because Tadashi grabbed his face with both hands.

“I’m sorry! Tsuki, please – don’t cry!” He begged.

“Shut up,” Tsuki whispered. What if he was pregnant? What if Yamaguchi gave him a baby, and then got cancer? What if he was going to die soon? Tsukishima couldn’t live without him. He knew that. But a baby from Yamaguchi… would that give him enough reason to live? Already, the room was blurry. He opened his palms underneath Yamaguchi’s shirt and pressed them protectively over his warm belly. He bent his head as tears began to drip over Yamaguchi’s hands. I don’t know, he thought. I’m not ready to find out. Touching his forehead to Yamaguchi’s, he wept in front of somebody for the first time since his father had left him.

“I’m sorry, Tsuki,” Tadashi was aghast. “I didn’t mean to…”

Tsuki shook his head. It wasn’t his fault; there was so much that he wished he could say, but couldn’t. So many emotions he didn’t want to feel that he wished he could communicate. He took both of Yamaguchi’s hands and kissed his freckled knuckles.

“I love you, Tadashi,” he whispered.

“Tsuki.” Yamaguchi pushed their cheeks together. “I love you, too, Tsuki.”

Tsukishima looked down at Yamaguchi’s belly. He pictured it swollen with life, and something inside of him clicked into place. His heart throbbed. Something his father used to tell him resurfaced. How long, he wondered, had it been since he’d forgotten the sound of his voice saying it to him? He’d been so young. He looked up with raw emotion burning inside his heart.

“‘All that I’ll pray for is ten fingers and ten toes.’”


	15. Dark Lavender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a group confession.

The phone rang twice before Akiteru picked up that night.

“Kei?”

“Hey.”

“How did it go?”

“We did everything you said. Now, all we can do is wait.”

Sighing, Akiteru’s voice came in through the sound of the wind outside. “Yeah. How are you doing?”

Tsukishima glanced at the light under the bathroom door. “I don’t know.”

“Not good?”

“Definitely not good, but not terrible.”

“Bad?”

“Bad.”

“Was it your first time?”

“…Yeah.”

“Ouch. It took a year for me and my girlfriend to have problems. We bought better condoms, though.”

“Akiteru?”

“Yeah, little brother?”

“What am I going to tell mom if he’s pregnant?” Silence. Tsuki could feel the shock radiating a hundred and fifty miles away through the clipping telephone line.

“How… does that work?” Akiteru said finally.

“He’s intersex. A guy with female parts.”

“Oh… right.”

Silence.

Tsuki felt his heart rising in his throat.

“Kei,” Akiteru said quietly. “I know this isn’t what you wanna hear, but you tell her the truth. It’s no use lying. If it’s done, there’s a baby coming, and you can’t afford it alone.”

“I’ll get a job.”

“You’ll still have to live at home. You can’t afford a baby and an apartment.”

“… Oh.”

The line gave some static. “Kei, we’ll all help support you. I’ll get another job. Mom will pitch in, and then there’s Yamaguchi’s parents. We’ll get you settled. Together. No one from this family will ever be hungry.”

“I hate this.”

“What?”

“I hate burdening you.”

“Hey, you made the mistake, Kei. What happens next is inevitable.”

“Yeah...”

“Still,” Akiteru said quickly. “Don’t see this as a setback. Everything happens for a reason, Kei – truly. This kid might be right for you.”

“How?”

“Maybe it’ll change everything for the better.” He paused. “Maybe it’ll prove that one of us is a better man than dad.”

“Akiteru… I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“… Nothing. Thanks. You know, for all this.”

“Don’t sweat it. I want to know what comes out of this, but don’t wait to call me if things get bad. I’ll come home if you need me.”

Tsuki snorted. “As if.”

“Cruel!” Akiteru mourned. “Take care, baby daddy!”

“MORON!”

Click.

Tsukishima had an angry scowl on his face as he shuffled passed Yamaguchi into the bathroom. “What’s wrong?” Tadashi asked in surprise.

Tsuki made a face. “Nothing.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, they walked to school on a bright Monday morning. Flourishing trees loomed over every corner over a pile of flower petals with their branches heavy with blossoms. Kids rode by on their bikes, hurrying to class. Cars whizzed by. Birds sang. The sun warmed their skin and the breeze cooled their foreheads. It was all so… perfect.

Tsukishima sank into himself to think. A serious demeanor more intense than normal took over his body, warding away anybody from speaking to him. This included Yamaguchi. Fortunately, he understood. He knew how important it was for Tsuki to be prepared for whatever happened between them. And since he’d showed such brazen anger at being told that Yamaguchi might not live very long, he’d become much more thoughtful and pensive. It concerned Tadashi but he kept in mind that everyone dealt with their problems in very unique ways – and Tsuki had shut down for a week when he’d realized his own sexuality. Tadashi wondered how much differently he’d handle the possibility of being a dad.

Echoing cries of protest and laughter met their ears as they got to school. They stuck together like glue as they navigated the halls to class, wary of every wandering eye. For all they knew, someone could’ve seen them at the pharmacy. Nobody looked at them twice, though, which relieved a lot of their stress. But something weird happened while they were talking together in the hallway.

Tobio Kageyama and Shouyou Hinata passed by them holding hands. Tsukishima had a book in his hand, and he turned one hundred and eighty degrees on his heel to watch them pass. They stank like the same cheap deodorant Kageyama always bought, they were wearing each other’s shorts – probably by accident – and they were as stiff as a pair of mannequins.

Tsuki and Tadashi exchanged an odd look. Maybe they weren’t the only ones discovering that there was something more to their relationship.

“Idiots,” Tsuki muttered spitefully, irritated that those two were infringing on his dilemmas with their happiness. I bet neither of them have any worries about being a parent, Tsuki thought bitterly to himself. At least they’ll never breed. A touch from Yamaguchi drew him out of his abysmal thoughts.

 “Aren’t they cute?” Tadashi grinned. He had a hand gingerly touching his belly; it seemed to be subconscious.

Tsuki was startled by his brilliant smile and his maternal glow, and his anger melted into affection. He’d felt this way so many times that it was eye-opening to realize it for what it was. He stared at Tadashi like his freckles were the stars in the sky.

“What?” Blushing, Yamaguchi fumbled with his backpack. “Tsuki, you’re freaking me out!”

“I’m sorry.”

Everyone within earshot was shocked. A few people turned to look at them; Tsukishima Kei, apologizing? The apocalypse was nigh! Some of them broke out in a cold sweat and made plans to call their parents after class to tell them goodbye and that they loved them.

Oblivious, Tsukishima walked into the classroom with Yamaguchi close by. They didn’t talk about the new power couple for the rest of the day.

 

* * *

 

 

Practice, though, was another story. When Shouyou and Tobio walked in holding hands, all hell broke loose. All of the other boys were shocked. Tsuki stood irritably in the corner as Yamaguchi chewed Daichi out; apparently, something huge had gone down Monday night and no one had told them.

Hinata had been talking to Kenma Kozume, Nekoma’s setter, more than a week ago. They’d apparently had pretty good chemistry. They’d gotten together as a couple, but it hadn’t lasted long. Kuroo Tetsuro, Nekoma’s captain, had been violently jealous of Hinata for winning Kenma over. He’d harassed Kenma through text messages and even forced Kenma to kiss him. So, Kenma had stayed with Hinata on Saturday.

Monday night, though, Kuroo had gone to Kenma’s place and actually kidnapped him! He’d been roughed up and almost raped, but Daichi had called Bokuto and sent him to help. He was a real hero.  Bokuto had broken through a window and managed to stop Kuroo just before he’d gotten the chance to do anything.

After all this, Kenma had decided that dating just wasn’t right for him. He was traumatized and confused and tired, so he’d broken up with Shouyou. During their short relationship, Hinata and Kenma had both realized a lot about themselves. Things had changed and they looked at everyone around them very differently. Kenma had realized that he was demisexual. Hinata had realized that he was in love with Kenma _and_ Kageyama.

The end of Shouyou’s relationship with Kenma had been term-based; he’d promised to always be Kenma’s bodyguard, and Kenma had made him promise to get together with Kageyama. Even he knew how strong their bond was.

So after a week of keeping it hush-hush, Tobio and Shouyou had wanted to come out together.

“I still can’t believe it, honestly,” Yamaguchi said to Tsuki.

Tsuki made a blank face. “I mean one out of four guys is gay, why the hell are you surprised?”

“With that logic, besides Kageyama and Hinata, at least one more person has to be gay!”

Then, Tsuki looked into his face, turned a shade of red no one had ever seen before, and swiftly left for the gym. Sugawara screamed at the top of his lungs to Daichi something unintelligible but it was clear that Daichi understood all too well. He sheepishly handed over ten bucks. Apparently, they’d held a bet.

“He’s not the only one,” Daichi admitted next, and then Sugawara looked him in the face, turned a shade of red no one had ever seen before, and swiftly left for the gym.

Then the look of pure shock on Hinata’s face was so endearing that it forced Tobio to kiss him, and then everyone looked into his face, turned a shade of red no one had ever seen before, and swiftly left for the gym.

So, there were three new couples on the Karasuno volleyball team. What a time to be alive.


	16. Purple Mountain Majesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is feeling a little insecure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even after my extensive research, I've made mistakes in my assumptions of CAIS and have decided to remove it from the story entirely. I'm going to avoid specifications until further notice. If I find the correct condition I've assigned for intersex Yamaguchi, I will amend it at a later date.

 

It was late, and Yamaguchi had gone after practice to collect a few more things from his house before returning to Tsuki’s place. It was easier than explaining why the two of them were in such a foul mood to his folks. Yamaguchi hated lying to his parents, but neither of them had breathed a word to anyone about the pregnancy scare besides Akiteru, so it was just more comfortable at Tsuki’s house where his mother was used to his abrasive and silent nature.

Not a lot of questions were asked when two boys shared a bed. No one had even suspected that they had mutual feelings before except Sugawara and Daichi – and that was because Sugawara was especially keen. Tsuki was always watching out for Tadashi, but he’d never really shown how protective he felt. Even if Yamaguchi was always tailing him it was only when he wasn’t looking that Tsuki felt comfortable showing his feelings. Sugawara had seen him when Yamaguchi could not. Tsuki didn’t like the idea of anyone knowing that he had a weak spot. Now, it was a public secret.

Tsukishima rifled around in his backpack. He had swung by the pharmacy after practice for a box of pregnancy tests paid for in cash. Pulling the box out, he weighed it in his hand. There were about four digital stick tests inside – he’d bought the largest amount they had, just to be sure. He had no idea how this was going to work. How long did it take for his body to start outputting the right chemical to turn the stick the right color? Sitting on the floor, Tsuki leaned back against his bed and read the box.

‘Please use test the first day of your missed period, or twenty-one days after you’ve had unprotected sex,’ he read, absorbing every word. ‘The chemical human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is output immediately after a fertilized egg attaches to the wall of the uterus, and its output doubles or triples daily. This pregnancy test will tell you if you are pregnant or not pregnant, along with the number of weeks you’ve been pregnant for, by measuring your levels of hCG. The display will hold for twenty-four hours before disappearing. If needed, take a picture of the display before the twenty-four hour limit elapses.’

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi stuffed his clothes into his duffel bag. He wanted to be in and out before his parents got home. Seeing them would put way too much stress on him. If he couldn’t tell anyone until it was official, as he and Tsuki had agreed, then he didn’t want any opportunity to breach that agreement. He was on such good terms with his folks that they’d probably go into comas if he was pregnant. Not because of the baby, but because Tadashi was such a good kid. They would have no idea about what he’d done until it was too late.

The spermicide had worked its way out of him today. It didn’t hurt or anything, which was what he’d expected, but instead just made globs of clear gel on the toilet paper. He’d flushed it away wondering just how long it took for sperm to find an egg and make a zygote; a few minutes? An hour? A day? It was so strange to think that he might have already been pregnant when he put that gunk inside of him. The tech had specifically said that the baby would be fine if that was the case, but still Yamaguchi worried. If he was pregnant then he wanted it. If the gel screwed up something that was already half him and half Tsuki… just the thought of that haunted him.

Tadashi grabbed a few items of comfort: a stuffed dinosaur, tall socks, and a sweater he’d borrowed from Tsuki a few years ago and never gave back. The sweater didn’t have a hood but it had the name of Tsuki’s favorite hockey team on the front with a big colored emblem around it. It was his most treasured possession. Tadashi folded it up and packed it. His parents had big money. They had put him in public school for character building, let him pick his own high school, and refused to buy him anything that he didn’t earn. Would they cut him off financially if they found out? What was he gonna do then, live with Tsuki?

He sighed heavily. The bedroom around him looked so dark from where he was kneeling. It was warped and foreign, making him feel out place. He stared around him sadly. The only room he truly felt at home now was in Tsuki’s bedroom. At least there, Tsuki was waiting for him, but how much longer would he want to share his personal space? Yamaguchi had to come home eventually.

He got to his feet and shouldered the duffel bag, putting a hand instinctively on his stomach. The full-length mirror on the back of his door caught his eye. He stared at himself. Just like always, his freckles stood out against his pale olive skin and his dark hair lay in a thick straight wave around his face. All of his clothes were black, from his t-shirt to his socks. His legs were toned. His sneakers were only a few months old.

It had been almost a full day since it had happened. Tadashi unzipped his jacket and turned sideways in the mirror, checking his belly for a bump. His stomach was flat as a board. Even arching his back and pushing it out, there was nothing but a gentle curve to his middle. He tried to imagine what it would feel like to have a baby growing inside of him. He could almost feel tiny little hands pressing against his sternum and a rush of maternal chemicals brought color to his cheeks.  

Blushing, he looked away, clumsily zipping his jacket back up on his way out the door. What was wrong with him? Did he want to ruin his future this early in life? He was just a kid, he shouldn’t be a mother! He should be studying or practicing his jump-float serve, not getting ready to have a family. Eventually, sure, but not when he had a test on Friday and Spring Preliminaries a few months away. He couldn’t play volleyball if he was three months pregnant, could he?

Yamaguchi walked quickly with his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket. His dreams of settling down were so far away that it was almost impossible for him to imagine having to put his whole life on hold for it. No more classes. No more volleyball. He’d definitely want to stay home to raise it, but would he have to get a job? Probably, yeah. Becoming an adult overnight was a scary thought.

Tadashi looked up at the sleepy town and sighed. All of this was happening because he wanted to be with Tsuki – he wanted to truly know him. He thought back to yesterday, remembering Tsukishima’s warm body, the feel of his big hands… and how deep he’d been inside of him. His knees felt weak. No matter how many times he’d seen it in his head, nothing compared to the real thing.

The real Tsuki had made love to him; not only that, but he was in love with Tadashi probably just as much as he was in love with Tsuki. It was like a dream. It had been perfect, so why did it have to be soured by fear?

When he arrived at Tsuki’s house, he was feeling a little horny and a little depressed. Everything was so heavy. It was almost midnight and he’d really pushed himself at practice; he wanted to shower and go to sleep beside Tsuki, and try not to think about having to go live back at home. He sat down to untie his shoes. He didn’t hear the shower running upstairs and wondered if Tsuki had already taken one. Seeing Tsuki’s naked body reaching around him for the shampoo was something he’d burned into his memory. He wanted to see it every day for the rest of his life.

“Tadashi.”

Turning, Yamaguchi saw that Tsuki had appeared at the top of the stairs. He looked ruffled. Tadashi smiled sheepishly. “Hey. I’m back.”

“I can see that.” Tsukishima’s golden brown eyes glowed behind the flickering lenses of his specs.

Tadashi finished taking off his shoes and got up. “I brought more clothes. Did your mom make anything?”

“I missed you.”

The flame of desire in his belly grew. “Y… You did?” Yamaguchi stared at him in open shock and blushed under the weight of his gaze. He was feeling a lot like he had yesterday.

Descending the stairs, Tsuki glided into the kitchen without a glance backwards. “I’ll heat us up some dinner,” he said. His retreating body struck a handsome figure. The long bow of his neck and slouch of his shoulders were extenuated under the stretch of a thin t-shirt, and his basketball shorts snuck up his toned thighs just little a more every time he took another step forward before falling neatly back to his kneecaps. He had beautifully curved calves.

As if he were in a trance, Tadashi dropped his bag at the foot of the stairs and followed the strikingly handsome boy. He sank down at the dinner table. Through the living room to his far left, he could see the starry night sky in his peripherals. 

Tsukishima took some leftover rice and teriyaki chicken out of the fridge and began to neatly divide it onto two round red plates. Tadashi watched his graceful posture like a frog that held its breath in the presence of a swan.

“T-Tsuki?”

“Hm?” Tsukishima slid the plates into the microwave and pressed start. Its vibrating hum filled the silence of the kitchen.

“What does your mom think about us?”

Shrugging, Tsuki leaned back against the counter with his long slender arms. “She thinks what she thinks. I haven’t said anything.”

“I’ve never spent the night before, and this will be the second time in a row.”

“You can stay as long as you want.” Tsuki bowed his blond head. “I’ve never had anyone spend the night, so… I’m sure she’s just happy that I brought a friend home.”

Tadashi laughed. “A friend.”

Tsukishima drifted over to him. He leaned his hip against his shoulder and began carding his strong fingers through Tadashi’s hair. His eyes were warm, brimming with some unspoken emotion. “Yeah,” he said.

Tadashi sat back like a deer in headlights. “You’re acting strange.”

“Am I?”

“Are you feeling weird again? Did you not sleep - is it because I’m here?”

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

Tsukishima went back to the microwave and pulled open the door to make it shut up. Then, taking the two plates to the table, he set them down. He snatched two forks from the counter and handed one to Yamaguchi before he sat down across from him. “You’re the one acting weird.” Lifting an eyebrow, he glanced him up and down. “You really think that I don’t want you here?”

Guiltily, Yamaguchi looked down at his steaming dinner. “You’ve never shared your personal space with me before. It’s weird.”

“Have I given you any reason to feel like I want you gone?”

“No… I just…” He sighed. “I feel like I’m intruding.”

“I want you here.”


	17. Wisteria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima tries again.

“… Do you really want me here?”

“Yes.” Tsukishima put down his fork and leaned forward, folding his arms on the table. His eyes pierced Tadashi’s. “This is the first time that I’ve shared my personal with someone, and I like it.” He lifted his arm up and rested it halfway across the table with his palm face-up. “I like you.”

Tadashi placed his hand in Tsuki’s. Their fingers twined and tightened, almost painfully.

“I don’t want to be alone anymore,” Tsuki explained. “Is it that hard to believe me?”

For a moment of hesitation Tadashi looked into Tsuki’s bedroom eyes, searching for the lie that was not there. He really meant it. Why did he think he was lying? Tension filled the air between them, so Yamaguchi timidly took his hand away and put it in his lap. Tsuki stiffened. Turning their eyes downwards, both of them proceeded to eat.

A strange silence stretched into the night; it enhanced the clink of their silverware against the ceramic plates, and the ticks that echoed from the wall clock seemed deafening. They finished their meal but neither of them spoke. Tsukishima took the dishes to the sink and came back, slowly sinking back into his chair.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to imply that you’re lying to me,” Yamaguchi said quietly.

Their eyes met again. Tsuki swallowed. “You’re uncomfortable.”

“I guess so.”

 “Do you like staying here?”  

“Yes!” Yamaguchi blurted adamantly. He was ashamed of his hasty answer. His face turned beet red and he turned away from Tsuki’s heavy look.

“You’re very quick to assume that I don’t like you living with me.”

Irritated, Yamaguchi scowled. “You really, truly wanted this? I mean, sleeping together and everything?”

Tsukishima’s eyes sliced through the air between them. “Tadashi, what are you so afraid of?”

Tadashi glared at the long fingers of Tsuki’s hand as they clenched into a fist on the table. His anger ran out. “You. Sending me away,” he said in a small voice.

Tsukishima pushed back his chair loudly and got up. It made Tadashi jump; he flinched away when Tsuki rounded the table. He drew in his shoulders and shut his eyes, but nothing happened. Nothing moved. He snuck a peek to the right of his chair and slowly, slowly he opened his eyes until they were as round as dinner plates.

Kneeling by his side was a very intense-looking Tsukishima. He touched Yamaguchi’s thigh and lifted his other arm, pushing his fingers into his dark hair. His fingertips massaged into his scalp with a tantalizing pressure. “Sleep with me,” he said.

“W-What?”

“Come on.” Tsukishima stood up. He took both of Yamaguchi’s hands and tugged him to his feet. “Do you trust me?” He asked. His eyes were mesmerizing.

“I…” Tadashi’s heart clenched. After yesterday’s debacle…

“Do you trust me?” Tsuki repeated.

Yamaguchi stared at him. “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

They went upstairs, walking softly. Tsukishima let him walk into the bedroom first. He shut the door silently behind him, closing out the only light from the hallway, and wrapped his arms around Tadashi’s body. They kissed tentatively. Gradually, Tsuki’s lips became hungrier, and Yamaguchi felt his insides quivering. Tsuki gently lay him down on the bed in the dark, withdrawing to get something. He clicked on the lamp on his desk and it flooded the room with dim, golden light. From the desk drawer, Tsuki pulled out a brand new box of condoms. He brought them over to the bed and sat down.

“Extra strength,” he said. He peeled open the stiff cardboard top and took out two neatly-packaged condoms, placing them into Yamaguchi’s hands.

Tadashi studied them nervously.

“I got the most expensive ones I could find.” Bending down, Tsukishima kissed him one time, very slowly. “What do you think - do you want to try again?”

Yes, Tadashi’s body moaned. God, yes. But he hesitated.

“If you want to, we can use the new ones. But we have to be quiet. Mom is asleep.” Tsuki waited. “Tadashi?”

Reaching up, Yamaguchi took off Tsuki’s glasses. He put them on his side table, and he let the condoms drop onto the bed as he encircled Tsukishima’s neck with his arms. He pulled him down on top of him. “Touch me,” he whispered shakily against his mouth.

They sank into a kiss. Tsuki ran his hands eagerly along Tadashi’s curved sides, pushing up his jacket. Yamaguchi pushed his hands under Tsuki’s shirt and thumbed both of his nipples until they stiffened. Their clothes fell off. Socks and shirts and boxers pooled on the floor, leaving two hot, naked bodies bumping together in the dark. Tadashi was damp between his legs.

Tsukishima kissed every square inch of his skin that he could find. He let out a hot breath against Yamaguchi’s pelvis; those tense, trembling thighs fit perfectly into his hands. When he returned to his lips, Yamaguchi wrapped his hand around Tsuki’s manhood and stroked it affectionately. Tsuki released a pent-up groan of yearning into Tadashi’s throat. He toyed with Yamaguchi’s sensitive clitoris, and both of them heard the condoms drop to the floor. Tsukishima reached down and picked them back up.

They made love.

Their hips moved fluidly together, thrusting and making slick, wet noises. Pounding pleasure filled their senses. Yamaguchi’s eyes were shut tight and his mouth was wide open, but no noise came out. His back was arched. Tsukishima lustily sank his teeth into Yamaguchi’s throat. He reached down and held Tadashi’s waist firmly in place as he pumped in and out of his quivering loins. Every tremor of Tsuki’s tight prison felt amplified against his throbbing cock. He wanted to change tactics so he could last longer. So, he lifted Yamaguchi’s legs onto his shoulders and he fucked him slow and deep, paying more attention to Tadashi’s pleasure than his own.

Yamaguchi’s arms snaked over his head to cling to the pillow for dear life. It took all of his willpower not to release his cries of lust for the world to hear. He strained to open up more and take in more, and Tsuki obliged him. The whole world was spinning. Tsuki hit all his sweet spots over and over until Tadashi felt an orgasm tickling his clitoris. If he came, he knew he was going to release a wild cry of pleasure.

 “Tsuki,” he moaned as quietly as he could.

Somehow, Tsukishima understood. He kept both of Yamaguchi’s legs bent with his strong hands and leaned down to thrust his tongue down Tadashi’s throat. After a quick spur of thrusts to Yamaguchi’s deepest sweet spot, Yamaguchi came hard. His entire body convulsed with ecstasy. Luckily, his cries of orgasm were stifled by Tsuki, and he came in wild silence.

The spasm of his pussy triggered a similar reaction in Tsukishima’s cock. Tsuki grabbed the bottom lip of the condom and held it tight, carefully pulling all the way out just before he finished. The clench of Tadashi’s pussy as he withdrew did him in. Yamaguchi went limp beneath Tsuki as he shot cum into the tip of the condom. He gasped; a huge orgasm rocked his genitals, making the world around him vanish in a sharp rainbow of color.

Tsuki collapsed alongside Tadashi. He let his body hit the bed like a sack of bricks, his eyes falling shut. His cock throbbed. At some point he’d squeezed his hand around it and it pulsated against the flesh of his palm.

“Tsuki,” Yamaguchi groused. “Did it hold?”

“…I pulled out,” Tsuki replied, exhausted. “But… it didn’t even tear.”

Yamaguchi let out a huge sigh. “Good. I don’t think I would have noticed if it broke again… Christ...” He began moaning quietly, his legs splayed open wide. “That felt so good, Tsuki… Oh, God…”

Tsukishima smirked arrogantly. He was right. He was amazing in bed. “Shh,” he whispered, propping up on his elbow. He kissed Yamaguchi’s trembling lips with savory affection. “You sound so hot. I’m sorry we have to be quiet.”

“Tsuki…” Yamaguchi buried his face in Tsuki’s shoulder, tangling his fingers in his blond hair. He was totally spent.

Tsukishima stroked the back of his dark hair. “Do you want to shower?”

“Can we shower together?”

“Yes. Take a minute to rest. I’ll get something of mine for you to wear to bed.”

“Why?”

Tsuki slipped away, kneeling by his dresser. “I like it when you wear my things.”

“Remind me why I even bothered to restock on underwear.”

Tsukishima collected his thoroughly fucked boyfriend and some clean clothes, taking them to the bathroom. It was one in the morning. The lovers kissed in the scorching stream of the shower. Tsuki let Yamaguchi massage his body with soap, and he refused to stop rubbing his hands all over his soft pink nipples. Together, they dried off and got dressed.

Yamaguchi brought his dinosaur to bed and Tsuki tucked him in. They tangled their legs together. Tsuki watched him doze until he fell asleep, too mesmerized by his placid expression to close his eyes. Tsuki remembered the box of pregnancy tests sitting in his desk and his stomach tightened. Only the grasp of his lover lulled him to sleep that night.


	18. Indigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsuki and Yamaguchi have their first fight as a couple.

Friday morning, Yamaguchi was so nauseous that he could barely get out of bed. Tsukishima sat with him as long as he could. He brought ice water and crackers, ginger ale and bread, but nothing seemed to agree with Tadashi’s stomach. Tadashi wallowed in self-pity because he dreaded throwing up anywhere near Tsuki’s bed; after being assured that it was fine, he promptly threw up into a trash bag while lying in Tsuki’s bed.

Tsuki elected to take the day off of school to take care of him. He called them to let them know they’d be missing.

“Last night felt so much better than the first time,” Yamaguchi thought aloud as Tsuki dug through his duffel bag for a pair of his long socks. “I was so sensitive! And now I feel sick, do you think it means something?” He sat up carefully. “Do you think I really might be…?”

“We don’t know anything yet. It’s only been five days.” Tsuki pulled out a sweater and blinked at it. This was one of his sweaters – he hadn’t seen this in nearly a year. “Did you have this all this time?”

Yamaguchi flushed. “Yeah.”

Tsuki turned to him. “You had a crush on me, and you stole my stuff. So lame.”

“Leave me alone!” Yamaguchi groaned.

Taking out some socks, Tsuki came back to him. He knelt to push the covers off of Tadashi’s legs and put his socks on one at a time. “I didn’t miss it, but I’m glad to know it got to someone who cares about it. I was afraid I’d left it somewhere.” To Tadashi’s surprise, Tsukishima handed him the folded sweater. “Wear it. It’ll keep you warm.”

Touched, Yamaguchi looked down at it. “What if it gets dirty?”

“I own a washing machine, you know.”

“Oh, right. Okay.” Tadashi slipped into it with Tsuki’s help; his stomach roiled. “Ugh… I need to call my doctor and make an appointment,” he said. “He’ll know what to do.”

“You have a doctor?”

“Yeah, for my condition.”

“Wow.” Tsukishima sat back on his heels. “Well, what’s his number? I can take you.”

“What? No, I mean… you’d do that?”

Sighing, Tsuki glared at him childishly. “You keep saying that. It’s annoying me.”

Yamaguchi blushed. “Sorry, Tsuki. His number is in my phone.”

Tsukishima glanced at his desk drawer as he dialed. He folded his arms over his chest and cradled the phone as it rang. Yamaguchi told him with whom and when to make the appointment. Tsuki followed his lead; he made it Saturday morning. They’d have to forgo practice. In Yamaguchi’s state, he couldn’t even sit up, let alone practice spiking. If he was pregnant, then this was only the beginning. He should tell him.

Tsuki sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the wall. “I bought pregnancy tests.”

“You did?” Tadashi’s face twisted up. He turned and hurled into the garbage bag, heaving until his stomach was completely empty. He clutched the sides of the bag.

Tsuki rubbed his back until the convulsions stopped. “Sorry, I guess I should’ve waited to tell you,” he mumbled. He handed him a wet washcloth to clean off his face.

“Let’s use one,” Tadashi managed, panting for air. He spit into the bag. “I’m totally wrecked, Tsuki.”

A spike of panic shot through Tsuki’s veins. “Now?”

“How many are there?”

“Four.”

 “Tsuki, I need to know.” Yamaguchi said seriously. “We’ll do one once a week for four weeks – all of them – until we get an answer.”

Studying his pale face, Tsuki nodded warily. “Right.”

“Help me to the bathroom. Where are they?”

“I’ll get one.” Tsuki went to his drawer and slid it open, staring down at the box. His body froze up. Flashes of fear filled his mind. He forced his hand to move, but it fumbled with the box and he dropped it.

Tadashi was leaning sickly over his knees, poised with the trash bag. “Are you ok?” He asked with concern.

“Y-Yeah.” Tsukishima picked the box up off the floor and ripped it open, taking out a test. “It says it’ll work the first day of your missed period.”

“I’m due on Sunday. I only get it every three months, so this is actually good timing.”

“No, it isn’t.”

Staring at him, Yamaguchi noticed that he hadn’t moved. “Tsuki?”

No reply. He got up gingerly. Leaving the bag, he wobbled over to him, putting a hand on his back. Tsuki reached out and snaked his arm around Yamaguchi’s waist. Together, they went to the bathroom. Tsukishima shut the door behind them and uncapped the test.

“It says, ‘hold in a steady stream for five seconds.’”

“You’re not ready for this, are you?” Tadashi asked quietly.

Tsukishima gripped the test and his lover tightly. “No.”

“We’re both in a scary position.” Tadashi leaned into him affectionately. “But the sooner we know, the more we can prepare, right?”

Tsuki said nothing.

“What’s the matter, Tsuki?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t worry about me. Come on, let’s do this. I want you back in bed.”

Tsukishima helped Yamaguchi stand up. His groans of protest hit him hard; Tsuki hated the fact that his pain might be because of him. No way there was enough hCG to tell them that he was pregnant, even if he was - the test was going to be negative. So why was he so tore up about it? Because, he thought. I’m a coward. I know that knocking him up will cause him much more pain than just hurling up his guts every morning.

“I won’t look,” Tsuki said.

“I can’t go with you in here!” Tadashi exclaimed. “Wait outside, you big pervert!”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Tadashi punched his shoulder. Smirking, Tsuki did as he was told. He handed Tadashi the test. “Don’t touch the applicator side. When you’re done, put it down flat on the counter. It’ll take three minutes.”

He shut the door behind him and moved to lean against the wall outside the bathroom. Tsuki slid down to sit on his haunches. The first test. His heart hammered in his chest; he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t be a dad, not yet - he’d just realized and accepted his feelings for Yamaguchi, how was he going to become someone’s role model in nine months? If he was his own father, he’d skip town and run away from home. He wrapped his arms around his head. Fuck, he thought. Fuck me.

Tadashi completely emptied his bladder. Tsuki could only assume he was doing the test right; he began counting as soon as the stream stopped. Then, he waited patiently, listening as Tadashi pulled his pants back up and flushed the toilet. The water ran as he washed his hands. 30 seconds, Tsuki thought. 31. 32. 33.

The door opened. Wobbling, Tadashi motioned to the test on the counter. Tsuki got up and helped support him. Yamaguchi flung his arms around him and buried his face in his chest.

“Tell me when it’s over,” he muffled. 43. 44. 45.

“Ok.” Tsuki rubbed his back. “How are you feeling?” 46. 47.

“After I hurled my guts, I started to feel better. I’m just a little dizzy.”

“You’re dehydrated. I’ll get you a glass of water after the test finishes.”

  1. 52.



“I hope I can keep it down.” Tadashi squeezed Tsuki’s chest. “Can I ask you something?”

1:00. “What is it?”

“It’s about… the future.”

Tsuki got the willies from that sentence. “Ok.”

“If I’m knocked up… do you even want to raise the baby?”

Something slimy climbed into Tsuki’s throat. “What do you mean?”

“You just seem really scared,” Tadashi explained. “This doesn’t have to be the end of the world for both of us - you don’t have to be involved if you don’t think it’s a good idea. Or, we could give it up for adoption. We could find somebody that wants a baby but can’t have one.”

Tsukishima’s world rocked on its axis. He wanted to get rid of the baby? Deep down inside of Tsukishima, a paternal voice screamed at the top of its lungs in protest. _No!_ It cried. _That’s my son – that’s my boy!_ His heart throbbed. It hurt even more because he’d already decided that the baby was going to be a boy. The sole reason he wasn’t a total mess about this pregnancy scare was because he was determined to be a better father to his son than his father had been. The voice was using his weaknesses against him.

Defensively, Tsuki dredged up his snottiest tone of voice. “What, are you saying that you don’t want it?” He spat. Tsuki hated himself even before the words left his mouth.

Yamaguchi stepped back and shoved him away as hard as he could. Even sick, that was pretty hard, and Tsuki was caught off guard. He staggered back and struck his head against the wall on the other side of the hallway. “Fuck!” Tsuki hissed, cradling his head. “What the-?”

“Shut the fuck up, Kei!” Yamaguchi yelled angrily. “Don’t fucking say that – don’t you ever fucking say that to me again!” Tsuki stared at him, shocked. He’d called him Kei. Yamaguchi was trembling; his face was contorted with anger, and tears glistened in his eyes. He moaned in a voice that was so scared and weak that it terrified Tsukishima. “Of course I do. Of course I want our baby,” he whispered, tears squeezing out of the corners of his eyes. “But I’m just a kid, Tsuki - we’re just… a couple of stupid kids! We can’t raise a baby! As soon as my parents find out, they’re going to disown me and they’ll never want to see me again!

“I’m already a burden on you now, what will your family think if I have to live here? Who will take care of the baby if we all have to work to support it?” Yamaguchi burst into tears, leaning heavily on the door frame. “I don’t ever want my baby to be without me!”

Tsukishima gathered him in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so selfish, Tadashi,” he said. “I didn’t want to imagine how I’d feel if we didn’t keep it, but I didn’t even think about how you’d feel. I’m just like my father. Selfish.”


	19. Periwinkle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Yamaguchi... ?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me tiny discrepancies, this is day two of me running on no sleep.

 “Tsuki… what happened to your father?” Yamaguchi’s voice was thick with tears.

 Tsukishima stood clutching Tadashi in his arms and found that he could not escape it. He’d avoided talking about his father for years, all throughout their friendship. “He left. He was sick of us,” he said in an empty voice.

“He abandoned you?”  

“Mom always fought with him about never being there for us. He’d leave for days without even telling us where he was going. Eventually… he left and never came back.” Tsukishima felt numb. “He left when I was six.”

“You’re nothing like that, Tsuki.”

“I…” Tsuki gritted his teeth. “I don’t want to do to my child what my dad did to me.”

“You could never do that, but… I understand.” Yamaguchi rubbed the tears from his eyes. “I can’t just decide what to do when I know that I’ll never be able to provide what a baby needs to be happy. And I can’t tie you down if you don’t want to risk making the same mistakes your dad made.” He looked up at him. “Please think about it. Adoption is a good idea.”

“There is nothing to think about.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No, Tadashi – if you’re having my son, then it’s ours.” Tsuki gave him a hard look. “I will not stand by and watch my son be raised by someone else.”

 

The smile on Tadashi’s face could have made flowers grow, but he was speechless.

 Tsuki was stoic. “We will do everything in our power to provide what our baby needs, and if he is born into this world, he will be happy in my house – not in someone else’s.”

Beep, beep.

Both of them froze.

Beep, beep.

“The reminder on the stick test!” Tsuki yelped. He dove for it, snatching it up ferociously. When he turned around Yamaguchi was still frozen. He got in close to him and held it up for both of them to see. His hand was shaking so Tadashi lifted an arm to steady him, but he was shaking, too.

Even though it was wobbling, they could still read the letters and numbers on the little grey digital screen.

 

Pregnant

1-2 Weeks

 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi woke up on the living room couch. Thick, soft cushions buoyed him like a boat on the ocean, and the blanket draped over him smelled like Tsuki. He yawned a little. The aroma of chicken broth wafted around his head. He was heavy and thirsty, and he lolled his head around to see who had on such a bright light in the kitchen. Tadashi blinked. He saw a sideways figure of Tsuki bent over a pot on the stove. Was Tsuki… cooking?

“Tsuki?” He called.

Turning to look, Tsukishima’s handsome face blossomed with surprise. He put down the soup ladle and came to sit next to him on the couch. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thirsty.”

Tsuki stroked his hair. “I’ll bring you some water.”

“Wait, don’t go,” Tadashi said. He latched onto Tsukishima’s waist with both arms.

“Ok, ok. I’ll stay.” Tsuki smiled down at him. It was a genuine Tsuki smile. “Sorry, I would’ve left you in bed but and I wanted to watch you while I was cooking. The sheets upstairs are fresh and the blankets are in the drier.”

Tadashi pressed his cheek into Tsuki’s thigh. He smelled and felt so good; his thighs were long, and firm. His swishy shorts were pushed up to his pelvis. Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around Tsuki’s thigh and pressed his face into it. “What are you making?”

“Soup. For you.” Tsuki’s big hand rested on the back of his neck. “I’ll make something better to celebrate once you’re back on your feet. Maybe tomorrow.”

“What happened?”

“You fainted,” Tsuki explained.

Tadashi recalled the rush of the moment and then nothing. He had definitely passed out. “I’m sorry, I didn’t scare you, did I?”

Tsukishima shrugged. “The mother of my child only hit the floor like a brick.”

“Christ…”

“You’re fine. I caught you before you hit your head.” Tsuki laughed briefly as Yamaguchi rubbed his face into his thigh. “What are you doing?”

“You’re so sexy…” Yamaguchi heard Tsuki blush rather than saw it. He grinned. “This means we can do it without a condom now.”

“I think we should ask your doctor.”

“What do you mean?”

“We might still get infections, and with you pregnant, you can’t take any drugs.”

“Phooey.”

“Hey, sit up for me.”

Tadashi released Tsuki and struggled to sit up. He was really thirsty.

“I’ll get you water. Lean back against the couch.”

Nodding, Yamaguchi did as he was told. He dragged the blanket with him and kept it tucked around his legs as he sat upright and leaned back. Tsuki was gone and back before he knew it, pressing a gold glass of water into his hands.

“Drink all of this for me.”

“Okay.” Yamaguchi clung to the glass as he drained it dry.

“Good job. Want another?”

Tadashi didn’t answer. He was staring down at the glass. “We’re having a baby,” he whispered.

Tsuki sank down to sit beside him on the couch. “Yeah, we are.”

“You’re gonna be a daddy, Tsuki.” Tears began to fill Yamaguchi’s eyes.

He felt the glass lifting out of his hands. Tsuki put it aside, pulling Yamaguchi into his chest and leaning back against the couch. “You’re gonna be a mom, you know,” he said quietly.

That was the last straw. Yamaguchi felt the floodgates opening. Tsuki stroked his hair as he wept tears of joy into his shoulder, cradling his belly with both arms. “Tsuki,” he cried. “I’m so happy, I can’t believe it… Us, parents!” He looked up to see the smile on his face one more time. Tsukishima kissed him deeply, tasting salty tears.

The blinding light of two hearts glowing together banished the darkness of their fear. Tadashi had something amazing to tie him to Tsuki forever and Tsuki had the chance to be a better father than his ever was. The loneliness was chased from Tsuki’s heart, its tail between its legs, and the two of them could almost hear the laughter of their new baby echoing off the walls of their home. They clung together in the light.

Together, they had made new life.

 

* * *

 

 

When Tsukishima’s mother got home from work, dinner was already cooked. She put her keys on the counter and looked up in surprise to see her son sitting at the kitchen table, patiently waiting for her. Inside, on the couch, Yamaguchi was nursing a bowl of soup with a stuffed dinosaur sitting beside him.

“Mom,” Tsuki said. “You’re gonna be a grandma.”

 

* * *

 

 

After flying into a fit of shock and confusion, Tsuki’s mother was set up in bed with a bowl of soup to calm down. It had taken forever to explain everything. Tsuki had resigned to tell both his mom and Yamaguchi’s parents that it was his fault – all of them were going to blame him anyway, and he did feel responsible since it had been his job to keep the condom on. But his mother had protested.

“Everything happens for a reason,” she insisted. “Even if you think you’ve made a mistake, it’s not your fault - this is meant for you two. Your father used to say that.”

Tsuki stared at her. “Akiteru told that to me when it first happened.”

“See? Even he knows. Kei, we’ll all pitch in – if this baby is coming and you’re keeping it, then its family. But you’ll need a job!”

“I’ll get one. Yamaguchi wants to drop out of school to raise it.”

“Hey, that’s what I did.”

“What?!”

“Well, college, but I always wanted to be a mother.”

“And me?”

“No, sir! You’ll be juggling school, work, and a new baby – but life never throws you what it thinks you can’t handle. You’ll struggle, but you can do it, Kei.” She grinned. “I can’t wait to watch you fly.”


	20. Dodger Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to tell the team...!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've amended Ch. 14 Royal Purple to include Yamaguchi's intersex condition, which I've confirmed as a good fit.

Yamaguchi’s parents burst into tears of joy when they were told that they were going to be grandparents. Tadashi was their only child, and they were already pretty old – they’d had him at 40. He was their own happy accident. They were both 56 right now; despite their strict upbringing of Tadashi, they confessed to previous fears of being too old to be able to meet their grandchildren. By the time Tadashi would turn 25, they’d both be 65.

But, they added, they disapproved of Yamaguchi dropping out of school. If he was going to have the baby, he was going to finish high school and think about college later. Yamaguchi was aghast. Tsuki had to keep him from exploding into protest; what, Tsuki asked, would they do with the baby while they were at school during the day? Tadashi’s parents smiled. Bring it here, of course. Both of them were retired now. Yamaguchi’s father did free-lance carpentry work – he was a master at his trade, as his financial status boasted – but both of them mostly just stayed home together or did things locally. They’d be perfect babysitters.

Tsuki knew that his mother drove by their neighborhood every day going to work. He made a mental note to ask her if she could drop off the baby when the time came. After Yamaguchi hugged his parents good-bye and thanked them, they headed for the school.

 

* * *

 

 

Friday afternoon practice had just started. Everyone was receiving over the net with volleyballs flying everywhere, and Tsuki stood alongside Yamaguchi in the doorway for a moment just to watch. They wished that they could practice. Well, Yamaguchi did – he was dreading not being allowed to, but he’d ask his doctor about it tomorrow. Tsuki was just dreading the whole thing. It was one thing telling their parents – it was a whole ‘nother ball game telling the team.

Neither of them were dressed out, and one by one everyone took notice. The coach called a time-out and they stopped receiving. Sensei, coach, Daichi and the others all gathered together as the pair approached them.

“Why weren’t you two in class today?” Coach demanded.

“Sorry, Coach,” Yamaguchi replied. “I was really sick this morning.”

“I was taking care of him,” Tsuki added.

“So… why aren’t you dressed out?” Daichi asked suspiciously. “Are you not going to practice?” Alongside him, Sugawara’s keen eyes followed the motion of Tadashi’s arm; it hovered protectively over his stomach.

“No.” Tsuki said, earning a pissed off glare from Kageyama. He smirked at him arrogantly.

Yamaguchi rubbed his neck. “I’m not completely better, and Tsuki is looking after me.” Everyone was staring at him like he was about to say that he had some horrific disease. Lifting his hands defensively, he gave them an awkward grin. “I’m not dying, I swear!”

“He’s pregnant,” Tsuki said curtly.

Never before had a group of teenage boys and two grown men been so goddamn confused. Some of them screamed ‘WHAT?!’ at the top of their lungs. Yamaguchi took the time to give them a vague idea about what was going on, seeing as it was incredibly personal and he didn’t want to include anything that might embarrass them. Getting knocked up was pretty embarrassing, though, and when everyone realized that they were dead serious, all of their expressions changed into completely different types of shock.

Shocked and disapproving, Coach scowled at them in a scary fashion. “So you won’t be able to practice at all?” He demanded.

“I-I might be able to practice, but… I have to ask my doctor first.” Yamaguchi replied in a small voice.  

“You do look a little pale.” Sugawara’s maternal worry overwhelmed his shock, and he pressed the back of his hand to Tadashi’s temple. “You don’t feel hot.”

“I’m not sick with a germ or a virus, it’s just…”

“A baby virus,” Hinata blurted. Kageyama thumped him on the head, making him yelp.

“A baby isn’t a virus. It’s a condition.” Tobio said.

“IT IS NOT!” Hinata growled.

Everyone was reminded that Kageyama and Hinata were actually a couple. Both of them were feeling very awkward; the idea of sex between boys producing babies scared them because they were thinking about being intimate themselves, and they didn’t exactly grasp the concept of intersex. They began to argue about it avidly, and Tsuki pointed out that they sounded like a couple of morons, which shut them up. They pouted angrily.

Tanaka was in tears; he was too overjoyed to speak. He loved babies. No one knew, though, so they stared at him awkwardly.

“Tsukishima. Yamaguchi.” Everyone turned to Daichi, who was frowning deeply. He crossed his arms. “I’m disappointed in you. You’re just kids yourselves. Plus, what about your responsibility to the team and your college-preparation classes? What about the Spring preliminaries?”

“You’re not much older than we are,” Tsuki mumbled, and Tadashi elbowed him.

“Again, I have to ask my doctor about practice,” Yamaguchi said meekly. “I might be fine to practice and play. I mean, with my position, I’m barely in the game anyway. But… we’re both staying in school. My parents and his mom agreed to help out.”

“What about your dad?” Nishinoya interjected.

“My dad isn’t around.” Tsuki said coldly. His patience was thinning.

“Well, shouldn’t you go find him? He’s about to be a grandpa!” Ashai nudged Nishinoya to stop, and he looked at him oddly.

“Tsukishima means that his dad left,” Ashai said quietly.

Nishinoya paled. “Oh,” he muttered. “Sorry, Tsukishima.”

Tsuki was steaming. Yamaguchi touched his arm sympathetically, and they shared a silent look.

Kiyoko came forward and took Yamaguchi’s hands, smiling warmly. “Congratulations,” she said, turning to Tsuki. “To both of you.” Tsukishima blinked at her. His anger dulled into embarrassment, and he looked at his sneakers.

"Thank you, Kiyoko.” Tadashi smiled shyly.

Sensei put his hands on his hips and smiled. “Children are a blessing. I’m glad to hear that you’ve decided to be parents instead of choosing adoption – I think it’ll really show you what life is like.” He grinned. “You’ll never sleep again, though!”

Tsuki and Tadashi exchanged a horrified look, which made Daichi burst out laughing. Then Nishinoya laughed, and Tanaka, and soon all of them were cackling like a murder of crows. Daichi scolded Tsukishima about making it to school and practice. Tanaka caught his breath long enough to hug them both tightly enough to crack their backs. Afterwards, the others took turns giving the couple congratulations.

The two of them went home with warm feelings in their hearts. Even being scolded was better than being told that they were terrible people for accidentally getting knocked up. It was nice to feel like they were a part of a bigger family – an awkward, ridiculous family full of volleyball morons. They smiled to themselves. Yes, they thought in unison. Having a big family isn’t so bad after all.

 

* * *

 

 

They stayed up late talking about where they were gonna live, what jobs Tsuki was going to apply for, and then they grew real quiet. Both of them were exhausted. Tomorrow, they had the doctor’s appointment, and they were pretty scared to hear what the doctor was going to say. Too tired to talk, they both went on their phones to check their messages before going to bed.

Yamaguchi looked up in surprise when Tsuki abruptly shut off the lights and climbed into bed, pressing himself against the wall and shuffling under the covers. Tadashi blinked. That was odd. He looked down at his glowing phone screen, and it said ‘1 message.’ He opened it.

 

Time: 11:10:15 AM

To: Yamaguchi Tadashi

From:  Tsukishima Kei

Time Received: 11:07:07 AM

Message:

“Oh, why did I ever doubt you?

You know I would die here without you.

It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind.

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after,

After the life we've been through

'Cause I know there's no life after you.”

 

Sent from: KTalk

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	21. Baby Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

Yamaguchi’s doctor confirmed that he was almost one week pregnant with another stick test to confirm his condition. He prescribed him a multivitamin containing 400mg of folic acid to prevent birth and spine defects, among other vitamins essential to pregnancy, and gave him a flu shot - pregnant females are very susceptible to the flu. He also gave Tadashi a full physical and took blood and urine samples. Finally he gave him a pap smear, and then proceeded to scold them for about twenty minutes on the repercussions of an intersex pregnancy, the possibilities of the child being intersex, and the prenatal care Yamaguchi was going to need.

Yamaguchi was tenderly rubbing his arm Band-Aid from the flu shot while the doctor was jotting furiously in his notes. “I’m a volleyball player,” he piped up. “Can I still practice?”

“If you take it easy. Avoid over-strenuous things.” The doctor gave him a squinting look. “No diving receives – your stomach area is vital to the habitation of your child. But you should use extreme caution. Warm up slowly, cool down slowly, and take frequent breaks. I’m sure your coach will be pleased to hear that,” he joked. “Overall, you can do the same amount of normal activity that you’re used to. Just take care of your body.” He gave them a few pamphlets of the necessities and they spent the next hour discussing family history, health, medications, and weight gain.

Tadashi had trouble with that part. “I have to gain 25 pounds?”

“Yes. The weight will distribute itself into the necessary areas for pregnancy. On average, most females should gain around 25 pounds.” The doctor put down his clipboard. “You should find your body changing, Tadashi. You’ll develop breasts most likely, albeit small ones, and this is no laughing matter. You’re an extremely fit young man. Avoid junk food, but stop dieting completely if you want to still practice. And rest as often as you can.”

“What about sex?” Tsuki asked calmly. “Is there anything we have to worry about?”

“No,” the doctor eyed him warily. “If you’re fine now, you should be fine without contraception. But if you have any problems come straight to me.”

They scheduled their next prenatal visit and went to Saturday practice with their heads reeling. So much had to be done! Yamaguchi was getting goosebumps just thinking about the months he was going to start showing, and they picked up the multivitamin and some herbs to help with his nausea from the pharmacy. He read every bottle diligently.

 

* * *

 

 

Tsukishima was studying the food and necessities pamphlet as they walked to the school. “I’ll give this to mom to keep in the kitchen. We’ll both pitch in to keep you properly fed.” Tsuki glanced at him. “You’re gonna get fat.”

“I’m not looking forward to that.”

“It’ll be fun, though.”

“What?”

“You can eat a shit ton of everything. I’ll get you a whole pizza for dinner.”

“TSUKI!”

“What?”

“Are you enjoying this?!”

“Probably way too much.”

“You just want to cook fatty foods.”

“I can’t cook pizza.”

“Tsuki… I’m so nervous…” Tadashi hovered by the gates of the school, putting a hand on his flat belly. “What if I strain myself, or forget to take the vitamin, or touch some chemical or something?”

“Stop.” Tsuki touched the small of his back, getting sensuously close. “Everything is going to be fine. We’ll take on ‘pregnancy do’s and don’ts’ just like another class, and we’ll study together all the time. Between the two of us, we won’t miss a thing. Ok?”

“We already have so much to do… school, work, practice… now this…”

“We can do it. We’re not like everyone else,” Tsuki pointed out. “We’re better than them. This’ll be a breeze for you and me.” He wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed his lips to Tadashi’s temple. “Our baby is going to be amazing.”

Yamaguchi blushed at how close he was and reached out, grabbing the hem of his shirt. “Kiss me,” he whispered against Tsuki’s chest.

Tsukishima pressed their bodies together, tipping Yamaguchi’s head back so he could kiss his mouth. He grinned into the kiss as Tadashi began to tremble. “You want to go at it again?” He muttered. “You’re insatiable. What, do you want another baby?”

“I don’t know,” Tadashi said breathlessly. “Maybe.”

They ran to the club room. Everyone was already dressed out and gone, so they locked the door behind them, spreading out their discarded clothes on the floor. For the very first time, they made love without anything between them, and Tsuki was glad that no other clubs had meetings today. Tadashi’s cries of pleasure were incorrigible. He sucked another hickie onto Yamaguchi’s neck; this one was much darker, and much more prominent than the little red mark he’d left the first time.

They finished hot and heavy. Then they cleaned up, dressed out, and ran to practice. Daichi scolded them for being late but it was obvious that he was glad they were there. Everyone noticed the hickie. No one mentioned it, though, seeing as half of them were virgins and the other half were either skittish or wanted to keep things kosher.  

They fell into step with the others and it was like nothing had ever changed. Tadashi still couldn’t receive, Tsuki was still a snot, and Hinata was still getting balls to the face no matter what he did. The sound of volleyballs smacking the floor and walls echoed into the sky as the sun touched the horizon line and the baby blue sky was streaked with beautiful shades of orange and red, big puffy clouds coasting towards a burning, bright sun.

                                                                                                                 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for part three of A Little More the series; A Little In-Between, featuring the new baby, plenty of drama, and probably more porn.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and bless you all.

**Author's Note:**

> Always leave me feedback!
> 
> Also, bless you.


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